Alive and "well"!

For all those who've been asking about the ultrasound -

There is ONE little bean in there!

We can hardly believe it. Must be a girl - drama, drama, drama.... right?! One super healthy, strong, nausea-inducing little joy. We saw a heartbeat flickering away, and everything looks great so far.

I am also grateful to say that we've worked out a good meds situation with our OB and I have dramatically improved in the tummy area. I actually EAT now, and keep it down. I've also got some typical exhaustion and cloudy preggo brain symptoms; couldn't think of the word "plate" today. Hmmmmm....

This week was all about being sucked into the stress of faculty meetings, classroom setup, and lesson planning. Fair warning - I am probably going to stay in the dark hole until after the flurry of the next week and a half dies down a bit. It's a bit of a marathon getting through the first week of school. (Fellow teachers, can I get a witness?!)

I could cry tears of joy at the thought of a no-alarm Saturday morning. (Seriously, tearing up here!)

Grateful for so much right now - my heart is full!

Hugs!

Cracking...

I just googled hypermesis gravidarum.

At the bottom of the page I'm left with:

Notable cases

Author Charlotte Brontë is often thought to have suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. She died in 1855 while four months pregnant, having been afflicted by intractable nausea and vomiting throughout her pregnancy, and was unable to tolerate food or even water.

Isn't that encouraging? Ack!

That's a picture of some of the items i carry around in my "nausea bag" that goes with me everywhere. 

I thought I'd had a breakthrough yesterday when we gave up on the Diclegis meds and switched to Zofran. For the most of one whole day I was back to my old self and on top of the world. At one point I made a chicken salad sandwich and ate it.  

I dared myself to hope that we'd had a breakthrough. I pictured myself charging ahead heading back to work next week laughing and putting together a classroom like it was nothing. Another dose before bed made me loopy and I blissfully settled into sleep.

Oh, Zofran! You betray me! I thought we had a good thing going, ya know?!

Although I have not officially hit my knees in front of the porcelain throne today it has taken all of my willpower not too. I'm terrified of aggravating an apparent abdominal muscle strain - a gift of the night of misery early in the week I am sure - that will set off a searing, sharp pain. Arg. 

At least I got some rolled tacos in me at one point... I know, doesn't make much sense right? But anyone who has dealt with the beast of serious morning sickness knows that if ANYTHING at ANY TIME sounds edible you find a way to get it and you eat it! (In fact, after trying to distract me with a walk around the lake I came home and finished off a couple spoon-fulls of spumoni ice cream from The Spaghetti Factory. Unfortunately only one place for that... I wonder if they'd even let me order a bag of little containers of it to go? LOL)

Ugh - I can't even read back that last paragraph now. 

Poor Duchess Kate was hospitalized when she was preggers. I was thinking about that earlier. I wonder what it would be like to have a staff who could get a doctor at any time of the night, have a prescription delivered... I bet the manager at the local Spaghetti Factory would be honored to deliver a bowl of Spumoni any time 24/7! 

I am thankfully NOT at the point of hospitalization, or even very close as of now, and I do have my hubby who selflessly has run about on a whim or necessity to get me meds and food at all hours of the day. (Love that man!)

Thank you to those who have posted tips/advice. (I have wanted to try that smoothie remedy but couldn't stomach making oatmeal today haha. Maybe this week when I have a "strong hour" or two.)

I am definitely cracking - Stephen brought my little man in to say goodnight while I was sitting in the shower with my head on the wall, and his sweet little face brought tears to my eyes. I could only look at him through the glass door and blow him kisses, then watch as he watched me until daddy turned the corner and took him out of our room to sing him a song and put him to bed. 

Lunch and dinner was always our time, but I have understandably faltered around the sights and smells of the kitchen lately. Tonight I got him started but had to give in, ask the hubby to take over, and collapse into bed. Right now I have our video monitor on the bedside table next to me and I am grateful to watch him peacefully sleeping away...

Here is my latest cute picture of him just because it makes me happy to look at it!

Six. More. Weeks.

That's what we tell ourselves. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. Kind of reminds me of eternity - in the perspective of forever the hard things we walk through in life are over in the blink of an eye! 

I thank the Lord for this battle - because I fought for the honor of having it! Heck, we paid more than thirty grand over the course of years to get to deal with a horrid bout of morning sickness! So many women out there would GLADLY take my place, because the sicker I feel the more prominent of a reminder it is that I have a beautiful life growing inside of me. I got a second chance - two for two! How amazing is that? 

I'd also acknowledge that there are others who are walking through painful trials without the promise of a happy ending. 

So, my dears friends - if you see me stumbling a bit in the next weeks, (especially at work - I am kinda freaked out about figuring some kind of solution out before being trapped in a classroom with 38 freshmen), remind me of my words! Sometimes it's okay to break down and cry, and acknowledge that this SUCKS, but sometimes I will need to get some perspective and get through it! (Or just walk out and puke, right? I am sure they will handle that distraction just fine and get back to their Algebra.) LOL... 

Hugs!

(Ps - hubby when you read this can you bring me an apple and almond butter? I'm gonna go for it!) 

New things I have learned...

1. Essential oil ginger drops do NOT taste like good 'ole normal ginger. In fact, they almost MAKE me throw up when I take them to help with nausea. But they seem to work... I have found mixing with ginger ale to be tolerable.  (And yes, even if it's only mental I'll take it!!)


2. Endometrin  (progesterone suppositories) can cause vaginal spotting. This would have been extremely helpful to know in advance before I nearly had a heart-attack today discovering blood and thinking I was going to miscarry. Ugh!


3. The Supreme Club at Jersey Mikes, with extra veggies and mustard, is one of the only things I can tolerate and may end up eating on a daily basis for the next 4 - 6 weeks. (If you have any coupons, send 'em my way LOL)


4. The "Happy Go-Lucky" Jamberry nail wrap style aggravates my nausea. I only had that Jamicure on for two days before I groaned one last time and peeled them of. (I've ordered a few more subtle designs for now! Jamberry still makes me feel pretty...)


5. I discovered a Groupon for fresh-squeezed juices, or fruit & veggie smoothies, from Jamba. This shall hopefully supply a tolerable breakfast on my way to work in the next two months. (Many of the juices have ginger in them! Yay for more ginger...)


6. Surviving pregnancy IS possible, although tougher, with a little one running around. Nathan is blissfully ignorant to my suffering, and Grams is a savior! It gives me hope for when the new little one arrives... (Remind me of that in about 9 months!)


7. "Every pregnancy is different." It really is... No wonder women go flippin' crazy wondering what's going on next and what's happening to their bodies. And searching forums online only provides some insight - but we all still do it anyways.


8. Amazon prime is worth it. Plenty of non-Netfix available shows to stay entertained with while lying down exhausted in bed. Also, two day shipping for prenatal vitamins, stool softners, and lots of other fun preggo things you need!

Speaking of which - I am going to take advantage of some down bed time right now! (The Good Wife is actually good!)

Hugs!

"Green Blessings"

Note:  I am super dizzy/loopy right now. I don't know if it's the hormones, or after-effects of the Zofran (anti-nausea meds); but beware. I don't drink (like, ever!) but if I were ever tipsy I imagine that this is how I'd feel. Stephen just laughs at me... At least I made it safely back to my bed!

So if you saw the hubby's facebook post you'd already know that it's been a nasty 24 hours or so. Pregnancy symptoms have hit much harder and faster than they ever did with Nathan. I remember talking with my mom and us hoping that it wouldn't be as bad as last time - loosing 10 pounds and being useless for the first trimester. And it's not AS bad - it's worse! LOL  (Have to laugh or I'll cry.) ;0) Even though I fought the nausea, as Stephen describes it - I threw up more in one night than all the times with Nathan put together...

I'd have thought throughout last night I'd had a horrid case of the stomach flu if I hadn't been missing the flu's other wonderful symptoms. And there was no relief! An "episode" about every 30 minutes... And between like 2 and 3(of 5 or so) I called the on-call nurse service (about 1:00am) and got a hold of an angel of a gal who helped us get a prescription for Zofran called in to a 24-hour pharmacy at the CVS in the town next to ours.

On Monday I had already been placed on "Diclegis" - a different, newer drug (category A - the only one TOTALLY safe for preggos); but it's more of a systematic regimen that apparently had little effect or just hadn't had the time to integrate into my body and help regulate the nausea.

Fortunately the Zofran did the trick, and we were able to fall asleep a little before 3am. (Nathan blissfully slept through it all, thankfully. He got up with the hubby around 7 and had a good morning with Daddy as I slept in. Ha - just hit me that it's the first morning I pulled a "summetime sleep-in" until 10.)

BRAGGING PAUSE:
My husband is freaking AMAZING. When I first texted him at 10:30pm that I was super sick, he appeared from downstairs with ginger ale and teddy grahams. Of course I couldn't stomach the thought then, but it was so sweet! He then proceeded to drop whatever it was that he was working on, climb into bed with me, and setup the computer with a Netflix Deep Space 9 marathon, which he was committed to continue until I was able to fall asleep. (Little did he know...) I've a bit of a history of Emetophobia, (fear of throwing up - a real thing believe it or not!) - in fact literally went a whole decade of avoiding it, probably to my detriment those times I was super ill in my tummy, until I became a teacher and all bets were off. So I get pretty worked up and anxious. He was soooooooooooooooo wonderful and patient with me. He didn't even HESITATE to jump in the car for a 40-minute trip to get the Zofran; and even "sweet-talked" the pharmacist into rapidly filling it (jumping in front of a line of people who were already waiting). Once the miracle drug started to take effect he informed me that I was to stay in bed and sleep as long as possible in the morning. I thank God for this man!

Another blessing - my mom. She came to get Nathan after his nap for the night so that we could get some more recovery rest this afternoon. (I got a video from her of Nathan tossing a bunch of avocados in the dryer - he LOVES being at Grandpa & Grams house!)

Thankfully today was better, and I've been able to keep down some liquids and a bit of food. I am nervous about tonight and pray that we don't see a repeat... We are so grateful for the support and advice from our Facebook peeps! Our pal Jess dropped off her peppermint and ginger essential oils for me to borrow (if you are reading this you are sooooooo right about the taste of the ginger!!!). We are desperate to get this under control, especially before I report back to work next week. (Oh man - my students are in for a TREAT during the first weeks of school!) Stephen said he'd even consider acupuncture!

So if things are so bleh, why the title "green blessings"? As we keep reminding ourselves, all of these symptoms, as bad as they can get, offer a certain measure of comfort that this little kiddo is sticking around. And for that we are grateful! Last Wednesday, my second beta number was 2880! I had more than doubled in the expected timeframe. If the trend has continued, my HCG levels should be pretty much out of control about now, which would explain a LOT. (And from how I figure I'm not even 6 weeks preggo until this weekend!) All good news!

Next step:  a first ultrasound with our fertility doctor next Tuesday. This should tell us if one or both of our embies have made a go of it. After all we are experiencing, I'd say that I'd be surprised if there is only one, but not disappointed. Maybe it's just one - but a girl? Already causing drama, right? Hehehehehehehehehe.... Stephen also got me an appointment next Friday with our lovable OBGYN and I am excited to get to go see him again! 

Hopes and prayers:  That the Diclegis meds will have a chance to do their thing and get the nausea under control. I really don't want to spend the last of my days of summer, and time with Nathan, as a total mess. But we do have some Zofram, oils, B6 shot possibilities, and apparently acupuncture to try out also! :0)

Okay, I am exhausted and I should let the hubby come up to bed - he's on a lot less hours of sleep than I am right now.

I wonder what we will watch now that we finished all of the Deep Space 9 episodes....

Hugs!

Our Result - - - So Far...

... Positive!   (I won't tease you with a long drawn out narrative first.)

Blood test was scheduled for 10:30 this morning (we got there 30 minutes early!), and we were told that's we'd be called "between 3 and 5". Ack! My mom has the kiddo today, so I've been keeping distracted hanging with a bestie, online scrapbooking, going out to lunch, and watching an X-Files marathon.

When the nurse FINALLY called Stephen came running from his office (which is in our house - not across town btw). She said that we had a "very good first number"; which turned out to be 1,108. (Apparently they wanted at least 100 - so there I go overachieving again!)

Next goal:  double that number by Wednesday! I'll go in for another blood test that morning. Doubling means that the pregnancy is progressing well. (Next step would be starting weekly ultrasounds.)

So, yeah - I guess that means we are pregnant! Still hasn't completely sunk in yet, but if definitely backs up how I have been feeling lately - AWFUL. Exhausted, achy, crampy, ditzy, no appetite except really hungry at the same time... etc.

Here's to 9 months of feeling cruddy!!!!!!

Hugs!

The Yogurt Test

We've been performing it a couple of times a day - - -

It consists of Stephen getting the tub of honey vanilla greek yogurt and opening it for me to sniff. The idea is that I would hopefully have the sudden urge to puke.  Okay, sounds crazy; but that's how we kind of "knew" we were prego with Nathan. I'd eat it every morning and one day I went to get some and suddenly couldn't stomach the thought of it. Yay for food adversions!

Forgive the multiple postings lately - definitely going nuts! Of course we are over-analyzing everything, and still everything could be from the hormone pills anyhow. (I grabbed some tums last night and the hubby was like "hmmmmm...". I just rolled my eyes and told him that heartburn is caused by Progesterone and I was just switched to oral pills. I know these things!)

Did have a fun little indulgence last night.

Allowed him to go get me some fries from In 'n Out at 9:00pm. They were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good! I figured that even though this wait is horrid, I'd rather it pass with some fun and spontaneity! LOL

(Smelled the yogurt this morning and I still wanted to eat some. Darn.)

Hugs!

6dp5dt: Confusion Reigns & ITCHES!

That's "6 days post 5 day transfer" lingo. (You see it all over the fertility forum boards.)

Before I get into the craziness, here are a couple pics from our amazing, and wonderful weekend up at the 'rents cabin in Big Bear celebrating my Dad's 60th:

It's been a bit of a rocky 24 hours. Yesterday we had a scare when I woke up to discover a red rash had developed on my bum, surrounding the bruising from the injections. It was quite a sight! I was also feeling weak and shaky, and was therefore terrified that I was getting some kind of infection.

We got ahold of a nurse from the fertility center and she reasoned that it was an allergic reaction to something - either the oil the progesterone is carried in, or something I touched. (Really? Like I decided to rub poison ivy on my arse!) I was instructed to take Benadryl, which had pretty much knocked me out by the time we got down the mountain.

I slept for about 40 minutes in the car, got home, and promptly went to bed for another two hours. *praise report*: The nurse was able to get a hold of one of the pharmacists from the place in La Jolla where we got our meds. He came during closed hours to meet the hubby and get me some oral/suppository progesterone as an alternative until we could figure this all out. We could not thank him enough!

By 3:30pm, the "rash" hadn't gotten any better, and I was back to feeling weak/shaky. We decided to play it safe and went down to our favorite Urgent Care at Pomerado, (ah, the memories from last summer...). A doctor there confirmed that it looked like a hives allergic reaction (thanks to infertility/birth giving me the humility to dropping my pants without giving it a second thought!), and since it wasn't "systemic" (other parts of my body) it  must be to the oil. Unfortunately, that oil stays around long after the hormone has been absorbed so it could be awhile before this fun stuff goes away.

OMG - I itch!!! 

Confusion point:  Fertility nurse said just take Benadrly once, and if it's still around then it's NOT the shot. Urgent care doc says to continue taking it because the oil is still around. (That makes more sense to me.) Arg. Currently we are waiting to connect with a second nurse to get closure. Meanwhile I am doing everything in my power not to scratch! blah.


Obviously, one of the things I was terrified to ask was if this could in anyway affect the viability of a possible pregnancy. Apparently, the answer is no... although it makes me a little wary. In the midst of this craziness I continue to deal with the symptom mind games.

EXPERIENCED EARLY PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS:

• Sore boobs
• Bloating
• Fatigue
• Crampy/twingy
• Mood swings
• Frequent bathroom trips
• Increased thirst
• light-headed

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE PRESCRIBED HORMONES:

• Sore boobs
• Bloating
• Mood swings
• light-headed
• Fatigue

I already drink/pee a lot - couple times during the night. Any kind of reactions can cause the light-headed, shaky, weakness. This whole process is exhausting, and I always get thirsty in Big Bear.

Therefore, I could totally be preggers and I totally couldn't be! Kinda maddening, huh???!

(Have to stop for a minute and pee - be right back!)

UPDATE:
The other nurse called by to talk to the hubby - apparently the first nurse was wrong about a couple things and I can take a little more Benadrly - YAY!!! So Stephen's off to CVS to get some, and a cream (though I know topical won't do much for hives; but I am desperate!)

I have also self-prescribed some chocolate. ;0)

Love and Hugs!

The Waiting Games

Still totally surreal - - -

I can kind of forget about it for a moment or so and then I'll suddenly remember and get butterflies! Didn't sleep so great last night; was awake from about 2:50 - 5:00am. That's the down side of too much rest I guess! During that time I kept talking to the little embryos. "Ok now, be good and strong and healthy!"  "Grow, and hatch!" "Get all snuggly in a good spongy, soft location in there!"

There they are! The bigger looking one up top is our best. During freeze time, the blastocysts shrivel up and so it needed to expand back out and fill up that shell surrounding it. Our embryologists said that both survived, though one better than the other. (I literally couldn't breathe until I heard her tell us!!!) You can tell that the lower one is not as far developed, and it apparently had a little more damage (though damage is "normal"). The crazy thing is that sometimes the best blastocysts never produce a baby, while a poorer-looking three cell might! You never know....

Here's a chart I snagged from the internet of our timeline:

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

So, I am on Day 2. The best I could hope for is to actually start feeling some cramping and have possible spotting; which would mean that at least one of them is for sure implanting and giving it a go! I didn't have anything significant with Nathan, so it's not necessary to get preggers, but it would help out mentally for sure. ;0)

The procedure itself is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool. They have a camera in the lab, and we could see our embryos floating around. Dr. Kettle and his nurse prepped me and then communicated via intercom with the embryologist when they were ready to transfer. We saw her suck them up into a little tube, and then she appeared and we got to see them get placed from the catheter directly inside the uterus by an ultrasound. If you look at the pic, there is a little white arrow pointing at two little white specs!

When all was said and done, I stayed lying down for about 15 minutes. (Before heading out, a nurse took a Sharpie and drew black circles on the top of my arse so Stephen has a target for the progesterone shots! LOL.) While I was hanging out we took a couple goofy pics. (Ignore the no-makeup look, I wasn't exactly aiming for model status!)

We picked up Phil's on the way home - because that's what I had for lunch after the first go round and we figured it wouldn't hurt! Stephen took the WHOLE day off and we had a "The Paradise" and "Deep Space 9" marathon in bed, along with a few Zynga poker tournaments on our phones. My super cool and thoughtful pal, Karin, snuck by the house in the evening and dropped off the baby names book I'd lent her (soooooo hoping and praying we get to go through it again!!!), along with some super yummy and chocolaty goodies. (Happy hubby too!) We also enjoyed a bowl of my mom's homemade stew (soooooooo good, and I could feel the love!)

So the maddening WAIT continues! We officially have a pregnancy test at the center scheduled, but I am hoping that it will be "obvious" before then, and in a good way. After today's rest, it'll be a balance of staying busy/distracted, but not over-doing anything. So, forgive me if I go a little crazy.

Again, I saw how grateful I am for all your support. (Some well-timed texts from friends came exactly when I needed it yesterday.)
Love and Hugs!

Ready..? Or not!

Got a call from Dr. Kettle's office yesterday and the transfer was re-scheduled to earlier in the morning. Check in time is 9:30... (FET - there's a link with a quick overview of what a Frozen Embryo Transfer is.)

Whoa - it is finally almost here and totally surreal. This afternoon I will be making finishing touches on my preparations for two good days in bed.

Magazines, check!  (tried to not read my latest Cooking Light)
Chocolate, check!  (have half a bar of my favorite dark chocolate/almond/sea salt, and some Sees pieces)
Projects, check!  (Mixbook to catch up on my 2014 book, organize recipes from magazines)
Entertainment, check! (Nextflix and Amazon Prime)
Food, mostly check!  (My mom is making me a pot of STEW! Yay for comfort food; she makes the BEST. And we live by plenty of restaurants so Stephen doesn't have to stress meal making.)

SHOTS update:

Okay, so the shots really are just as bad as I have heard! I really thought that we had it down a couple of days ago, and wasn't much of a pain at all… Boy was I fooled! We had pretty much gotten a routine down: 

  1. Heating pad on bum, oil under arm pit. 

   2. Hand hubby vial, lay out on bed and get swabbed with alcohol. 

   3. Hubby draws progesterone in oil while I find a funny cat video to help be distracted. 

   4. Shot time!

   5. Massage it out and hit the foam roller while hubby disposes of needles and heats pad. 

   6. Crawl into bed and heating pad back on bum. Watch Netflix!

I think I got a little too smug Saturday night when it was super easy. And then Sunday night happened! Pain shot through my bum so strikingly that I started crying. The poor husband didn't know what to do, "Should I take it back out??!". We got it finished, but I was so sore forever after. I told him I needed chocolate so he got me a brownie. (Comfort food!)

My sis-in-law and another dear nurse friend have both sent me good pics of the location. (Thank you Cyndi for the man butt! Hahaha...) Got a little more advice too, but last night's shot "sucked" almost as bad. I have to laugh at myself that I haven't JUMPED at the chance to switch to suppositories... I must really not want to have to deal with that three time a day!

So that is a shot of my med schedule. I'm trying to highlight to keep track of making sure I do everything I am supposed to… And, no it's not pills that I have to take at 2 AM in the morning - just 2 in the morning, 3 at night, etc. (Yes, my nurse told me that other women have asked her when they could finally stop setting their alarms for the middle of the night!)

For now, staying as on stressed as possible is the name of the game.

Last night I got to go out with some girlfriends to another Painting & Vino class. It was a simpler design, so we're able to relax and eat good food and really had fun making the paintings our own design. (My students are always impressed by my "amazing" talent at least. )

I've been walking around most of the time with that "butterfly" feeling in my stomach. Of course, that's better than feeling like biting people's heads off! (Thank you Estrogen.)

Well, I hear Nathan making puppy noises in his crib next door. We've got a few hours of hang time till daddy is officially off work so time to find some things to keep him entertained! (He will get to spend the night at Gram's house tomorrow, Which is a huge blessing. Considering I'm only allowed to carry up to 20 pounds, it will be good not feeling guilty about being unable to pick up my 26 pound one-year-old.)

All righty then. See you on the "other side".

AAAAAAck! (In a good way)

Got some interesting news at the weekly ultrasound today -

So I started taking Estrogen this week (which has thankfully lessened the menopause-inducing effects of the Lupron shots, blah) to build my uterine lining. The goal was to have my lining at 8mm by NEXT Thursday, but apparently I am an overachiever because today it was at 10! The nurse proceeded to surprise us by saying that we could move up our time table if we wanted to "as soon as next Wednesday".

I was so thrown off that I almost walked out of the exam room without putting my underwear and shorts back on...

After an hour of wrapping our brains around it, calling my mom, and praying we decided to go for it! It's been a loopy kind of day - We had planned our summer and oriented our brains around July 25, so I feel a bit thrown off. I even had a massage scheduled for the night of the 24th LOL. But the though of KNOWING either way the outcome of our last IVF attempt by the end of THIS month was too enticing to pass up. It'll also give me another week to mentally (and perhaps physically) prepare for returning to work in August.

So Wednesday, July 16th is the new Big Day!

Of course, that means I "get" to start progesterone shots tonight. My husband thought that I was absolutely CRAZY when I opted to do the shots over pills. But let me explain - pills would be three times a day, both orally and in another special location. A once-a-day shot seemed so much easier, and I'd been through all sorts of shots so I figured no problem, right? Uhhh.... apparently these are a whole other fun ordeal, and fun to Google too - one of the first threads I saw pop us was a forum on how to deal with the pain of progesterone shots. Not exactly inspiring hehehehehehe.

Grateful for my sis-in-law who texted me some diagrams about placement - butt location. (Apparently you have to be fairly precise, or you risk hitting the sciatic nerve!) I also had to clarify, a couple of times, with an on-call nurse that the WHOLE needle (1 1/2 inches) does indeed go in. *insert wide-eyed panic face*

So I am currently sitting here in bed with a heating pad on my bum and a vial of progesterone in my bra (because fellow FETers recommended that to heat it up so it hurts less and spreads faster ok?!) mustering up the courage to text my husband to come up and get this done. (Oh yeah, he'll be the lucky one to poke me for these babies... Hm, reading that back in my head has scandalous connotations LOL. sigh.)

Lets all hope and pray that I GET to do these shots for like 10 weeks, 'cause that'll mean that we DO get pregnant. Looking on the bright side of things and knowing that this is sooooooooooooo worth it.

Hugs!

If you see me crying...

... It's probably just the hormones! We are well into preparations for our FET. (Frozen embryo transfer for those of you who aren't familiar with the lingo.)

The big day is July 25!!!!

I try not to think about it too much, knowing that this is the last shot for us with our two remaining embryos. 

Speaking of shots, my new morning routine includes at least one a day. 

I get up, come downstairs, grab a cup of coffee, open the fridge for some creamer and of course grab my Lupron! (I am still not exactly sure what it does, but that's what I have Google for...) 

20 units every morning until I am told to stop. Who knows when that will be, but our baseline ultrasound is tomorrow morning at 10:30. They will check out my uterus to make sure everything looks good and then I will go for the next two weeks at the same time on Thursdays to monitor the progress of my lining and make sure there are no cysts or anything. In the first go around everything progressed "beautifully" (It still kind of makes me laugh when I am described that way inside LOL) So I admit I will be shocked if we come across a problem this time. 

Haven't been feeling hundred percent so I looked up side effects and found:  mild burning/pain/bruising at the injection site, hot flashes (flushing), increased sweating, tiredness, headache, upset stomach, breast changes, acne, joint/muscle aches, trouble increased urination at night, and dizziness to be among the list that applied to me.  

Basically I've had a case of PMS for the past week! Hehehe... Stephen has been absolutely awesome though. He is letting me get in plenty of hot baths and just took the kiddo out to run errands so I could have an hour to rest. 

Sometimes I literally could cry over nothing! Now that is a little annoying, because I am sure there are plenty of things that are actually worth crying about and i have to avoid the sentimental mommy/women article posts flying around facebook. 😏

This little guy has been especially gracious… My current goal is just to slow down and enjoy every day as it is. Laundry, hormones, cleaning and organizing the house, running errands, changing diapers, making meals, and making sure to take time to stop and Play or watch an episode of Deep Space 9 with the hubby. 

I am loving life, and looking to find contentment where we are at now… Whether our family grows in this path or in a different path later on. And always on my mind are the beautiful amazing women I know who have yet to realize their own dream of a little one. (If any of my friends are reading this and are in that place know that I am so willing to meet you and talk and pray etc!)

Well, my hour is almost up so I think I'm going to stop sneak in a game of Sushi Go-round! 

Here we go again!

As I anticipate my first "real" Mother's Day tomorrow, I find myself thinking about the next stage of the journey that we'll be taking in the next couple of months. Stephen and I have officially decided to transfer our last two blastocysts in July... We hope that Nathan will have a little sibling next April!

Was just trying to relax in a nice hot bath a few minutes ago, and found tears welling up in my eyes. It's been a week of a few lows, to be honest, and the need to reflect on why I'm walking around feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. Going down to the San Diego Fertility Center this past Monday for a sonohysterogram  (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sonohysterogram.htm) was an action that apparently tapped into a well of emotions and memories that had been buried.

I have had a most wondrous 10 1/2 months being Nathan's mama! Every single day I look at our little miracle and I am awestruck by the blessing of this little man. He is truly a treasure!

I am not going to insult the women out there who are still in the midst of their struggle to have a child and say that it's the same kind of pain and anxiety - because it isn't. No matter what the outcome is, I have my little guy to hold in my arms. It's a different journey now - and yet, I guess the crazy emotions I have had surprised me quite a bit. It's like all that I felt going through those four years is trying to surface once more! I'm reminded of the women who encouraged me, and who'd walked the same path in growing their own families, and who told me that infertility is not something that you ever really "get over", no matter how many children you have. It's something that will fundamentally change you.

I feel bonded with two very dear friends who are still in their journeys - their pain and struggles are nearly palpable to me. And yet, even though they are working through some tough stuff, they have been such a wonderful encouragement to me. (If you two are reading this you know who you are! HUGS.) I will not take for granted how they are supporting me and praying for me and letting me share my thoughts and fears with them while they are yet to realize a dream come true from their own deep, heartfelt longing for a child.

I am grateful for a husband who "gets it", and for my amazing mom who is ready to "do battle" alongside me once more. How incredibly blessed I am to be one who HAS so much support around me!

Early this week I took some time to stop and pinpoint why I was battling depression. (Truth be told there were a couple of other factors this week that would have been minor, but pretty much created a "perfect storm" kind of climate for some serious blues.) I also stopped and acknowledged my fears:

• That the two little blastocysts won't survive defrosting. (80% chance they will, and they are the highest grade.) That I'll go through the weeks of preparation for "nothing". 
• That it won't work. They are our last two. We will be back to "square one", and have all sorts of decisions to figure out once more. 
• Ugh... along that note: the dreaded "2WW" (Two week wait - the time between ovulation and 'Am I pregnant or what?!'. For anyone interested here's a link to fertility lingo: /fertility-acronyms-abbreviations-and-slang )
• That I will walk through it all alone.  (Which is kind of stupid, cause that would be my own darn fault! The timing snuck up on my so fast, but I've finally started telling some close friends and now I've got the whole blog thing LOL.)

I did spend some time praying over the fears and asking the Lord to take them on His very capable shoulders as we walk forward in faith. It is something that I will need to continue to do!

So, where do we go from here? Well, I am glad to let you all know that so far things look good! Routine bloodwork was done yesterday, and now waiting for a couple of weeks to start birth control pills (yeah, sounds counterproductive, right?) to regulate everything and then get a calendar set up with our doctor. From what I know there will be some meds to start, and then weekly ultrasounds leading up to the "BIG day", which we are planning for sometime in July. (One of the cool things about having IVF is that you really can pick a due date and work backwards!)

On the Eve of my very first Mother's Day with Nathan, I wish all of you peace and joy - wherever you are in your own journeys. Hugs!