Here we go again!

As I anticipate my first "real" Mother's Day tomorrow, I find myself thinking about the next stage of the journey that we'll be taking in the next couple of months. Stephen and I have officially decided to transfer our last two blastocysts in July... We hope that Nathan will have a little sibling next April!

Was just trying to relax in a nice hot bath a few minutes ago, and found tears welling up in my eyes. It's been a week of a few lows, to be honest, and the need to reflect on why I'm walking around feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. Going down to the San Diego Fertility Center this past Monday for a sonohysterogram  (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sonohysterogram.htm) was an action that apparently tapped into a well of emotions and memories that had been buried.

I have had a most wondrous 10 1/2 months being Nathan's mama! Every single day I look at our little miracle and I am awestruck by the blessing of this little man. He is truly a treasure!

I am not going to insult the women out there who are still in the midst of their struggle to have a child and say that it's the same kind of pain and anxiety - because it isn't. No matter what the outcome is, I have my little guy to hold in my arms. It's a different journey now - and yet, I guess the crazy emotions I have had surprised me quite a bit. It's like all that I felt going through those four years is trying to surface once more! I'm reminded of the women who encouraged me, and who'd walked the same path in growing their own families, and who told me that infertility is not something that you ever really "get over", no matter how many children you have. It's something that will fundamentally change you.

I feel bonded with two very dear friends who are still in their journeys - their pain and struggles are nearly palpable to me. And yet, even though they are working through some tough stuff, they have been such a wonderful encouragement to me. (If you two are reading this you know who you are! HUGS.) I will not take for granted how they are supporting me and praying for me and letting me share my thoughts and fears with them while they are yet to realize a dream come true from their own deep, heartfelt longing for a child.

I am grateful for a husband who "gets it", and for my amazing mom who is ready to "do battle" alongside me once more. How incredibly blessed I am to be one who HAS so much support around me!

Early this week I took some time to stop and pinpoint why I was battling depression. (Truth be told there were a couple of other factors this week that would have been minor, but pretty much created a "perfect storm" kind of climate for some serious blues.) I also stopped and acknowledged my fears:

• That the two little blastocysts won't survive defrosting. (80% chance they will, and they are the highest grade.) That I'll go through the weeks of preparation for "nothing". 
• That it won't work. They are our last two. We will be back to "square one", and have all sorts of decisions to figure out once more. 
• Ugh... along that note: the dreaded "2WW" (Two week wait - the time between ovulation and 'Am I pregnant or what?!'. For anyone interested here's a link to fertility lingo: /fertility-acronyms-abbreviations-and-slang )
• That I will walk through it all alone.  (Which is kind of stupid, cause that would be my own darn fault! The timing snuck up on my so fast, but I've finally started telling some close friends and now I've got the whole blog thing LOL.)

I did spend some time praying over the fears and asking the Lord to take them on His very capable shoulders as we walk forward in faith. It is something that I will need to continue to do!

So, where do we go from here? Well, I am glad to let you all know that so far things look good! Routine bloodwork was done yesterday, and now waiting for a couple of weeks to start birth control pills (yeah, sounds counterproductive, right?) to regulate everything and then get a calendar set up with our doctor. From what I know there will be some meds to start, and then weekly ultrasounds leading up to the "BIG day", which we are planning for sometime in July. (One of the cool things about having IVF is that you really can pick a due date and work backwards!)

On the Eve of my very first Mother's Day with Nathan, I wish all of you peace and joy - wherever you are in your own journeys. Hugs!