My teeth break apart and fall out...
...in one of my recurring dreams. Seriously - it's one of two types of dreams that I've consistently had throughout my life. (The other being driving a car and not being able to control it. Usually speeding around some curve and toppling off the edge of a cliff or something with no brakes.) When I wake up from this dream, with a sigh of relief after a quick mouth check, I know that I am subconsciously stressed and feel like my life is out of control.
I have not actually had this dream this week; however I mentioned it to my dentist this morning as we discussed the two broken/cracked teeth that led her to determine I would now need to have a custom-fitted mouth guard. Ugh... as an awkward-adolescent-braces survivor whose two years of "metal mouth" included headgear and were followed by a retainer (purple with confetti colored), I am no stranger to mouth contraptions. Ditching my retainer in college was a load off my shoulders after the stress of making sure to wear it every day and not throw it away (again) in the trashcan at Taco Bell.
Apparently I have been grinding my teeth. My dentist asked me if I had ever had that problem before. "No," I replied, and then quickly added "But I've also never had two under two."
Two under two... I will only officially hold this title for about another month. Nathan will turn two on June 27. However, I doubt that this magic day will not change the new normal of our lives.
On Sunday my phone was out of its case for a rare time that coincided with the car being emptied of all the cra-- er, stuff, that accumulated in a single outing to Costco and the street fair. It somehow jumped out of the front seat and proceeded to shatter on the floor of the garage. When I was in college I accidentally dropped my flip phone from the balcony of the second story of a building at church and it was perfectly fine Phones these days... Arg! Silly, expensive thing couldn't handle a two foot drop.
On the bright side, I got a good excuse to ditch my android and run back to the iphone. (It was so good to hear Siri's voice. I will never leave her again!) My new case is shipping from Amazon, so until then my phone is in the slightly-too-big recent case reinforced in a piece of bubble wrap. No joke - can't take any chances!
Today Nathan took a short nap and woke up whining and/or loosing it at everything. Mama couldn't do a darn thing right! Then Zach decided to get pissy. So I decided that we needed to get out of the house and got us loaded into the car and off to the farmer's market. This went okay; and luckily Daddy arrived in time to pick up and take Nathan just as he was loosing it again.
I thought I would have a nice little break stollin' around with a sleeping Zach while my cousin and I enjoyed a nice chat and looked over organic produce. I remembered just then that it was time for the little dude's bottle. When I ran to the car to grab it I discovered that this awesome Mom left her perfectly-packed diaper bag sitting on the kitchen table! Here I was, rapidly approaching the hungry-infant danger zone with no way to feed him. (Point breastfeeders.) I called Stephen in a panic and he headed to raid my mom's house where we had extra kid supplies.
As predicted, Zach awoke and slowly built into a screaming hungry fit. I don't know exactly how traffic lights are controlled but today I pictured some evil little dude hanging out in a room full of monitors watching for the most-stressed drivers he could find to manipulate the red lights against their favor. He must have giggled in glee over seeing the stressed-out mama in the CX9. Shouldn't main streets have fewer red light stops to keep traffic flowing?! I mean, come on!
I attempted to pacify myself by thinking logically. Zach will not remember the time Mama forgot the bottle at home and made him wait to eat as she drove across town, right? The pitiful cries tore at my heart, but I knew that he would be fed and happy and well taken care of, and grow up in a loving home where he would always be provided for. There was nothing I could do at the moment, except get to the restaurant (where we were meeting some peeps for dinner) safely in one piece. I do believe, though, that parents are hard-wired physiologically to stress when their babies cry... (Otherwise we might be tempted to ignore it and go back to sleep.)
Zach was calm in my arms by the time I got him out and walked to the table where our pals were sipping margaritas. (If I drank alcohol I'd totally be downing a big glass of wine as I typed this.) Of course, this almost made me feel worse - as though he'd just gotten so hungry and exhausted from crying that he'd given up on me. Stephen eventually showed, with Nathan and a bag of diapers in tow.
He took the baby and I pulled Nathan on to my lap so that I could get him some (late!) dinner. When he refused a chip and leaned against my chest I stopped to feel his forehead. Yep - hot. Poor little guy (who hadn't had much of an appetite and been whining and emotional all afternoon... Sheesh mom, take a hint!) had a whopper of a fever. I spent 20 minutes or so flagging down an overwhelmed teenager waiter and shoveling a couple tacos down, while my oldest little man sat complacently in my lap cuddled against me. I ended up leaving to get him home and put to bed.
You know, I'd actually wondered sometime over the past couple of days about how I'd react when, inevitably, one of my kids would get the stomach flu. I've always had a sensitive gag reflex and can't handle non-blood bodily fluids. When someone in my vicinity hurls it's fairly certain that I shall also.
Well, I found out tonight that mommy-mode certainly does kick in! It's like a latent super power or something, I think. One minute I was upstairs searching for the missing piece of the boogie sucker, and then I'm startled by Stephen frantically shouting for me to get down there. I hesitated for only a second when I beheld the frozen toddler who had experienced his first puking episode, (which would totally freak me out too if I'd never gone through that before). But when his little face got scared and he started to cry I immediately charged across the room and swooped him into my arms. I was able to distract myself from the mess that was surely getting on my clothes by talking to him and comforting him on the way to the bathtub.
"I love my life". This is the phrase that Stephen will repeat to himself when days just get overwhelmed with the tough stuff, or just with one thing after another. I am certain that as I was upstairs bathing the puker he was muttering it while attacking the armchair Nathan had been residing in with paper towels and disinfectant. These words are not meant to be totally sarcastic. More of a reminder that the tough stuff happens because we have been totally blessed to be parents. The craziness is a necessary part of what we signed on for - and our lives are more wonderful than we even imagined they could be. When I hear him say this I know that, yes, he is stressed out; but he's got a good perspective and we are going to make it through the day.
Well, the puke clothes (mine included) are in the wash, the chair has been scrubbed, and both boys are sleeping soundly. I am at peace knowing that whether or not the worst is over, Nathan was thankfully back to his normal self once he'd gotten some new jammies on and munched on a small bowl of Pirate's booty. Daddy was thrilled when he asked him "Guess what?" and he proudly responded "Monkey butt". (Oh yes, Daddy humor. He's been working on that with him for days now.)
Time to be done with today, snuggle in bed, and find something good to watch (or more likely fall asleep to quickly) on Netflix. I've been reminded now how important it is to pay attention to my mental health and focus on de-stressing actions/techniques. Lavendar bubble bath when I find the time, lighting the Stress-relief candle scented with eucalyptus and mint, controlled breathing exercises, prayer ('cause that's how I roll), and focusing on the "big" stuff that's really important.
I've learned that it's also vital that we moms stay connected with each other! We are not alone, and there really is "nothing new under the sun". How good it was to my heart to be at a table with a few girlfriends (and most of their kiddos) tonight. They bore witness to the craziness, laughed at it with me, and supported us the best they could. (Who knew the simple act of grabbing a tortilla and some beans and wrapping it up for a starving mama could have such a therapeutic effect?) As I lie down to sleep, hopefully without further incident through the night, I am comforted knowing that I can turn to the Lord for strength when I am running on empty; and that I am surrounded by beautiful and courageous women who are in the craziness too.
Apparently, I now grind my teeth. Guess I have a little stress in my life? LOL...
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
When Mother's Day Sucks
I am sure the title of this post caught many peoples' attention... Not a very uplifting, right? Let's face it - Mother's Day (and Father's Day for that matter) can be a very bittersweet day.
As I sit here and type this my heart is so incredibly full and grateful for the joy that I get to have on this special day surrounded by the chaos of two beautiful little boys and my wonderful partner-in-life husband. Zach, who is 6 weeks old today, is nestled up beside me looking cute as can be and deciding if he is going to be a cranky little pill who is ready for his pre-bedtime bottle. (At the moment I've got him pacified but he won't be fooled for long!)
My heart is also burdened.
For three dear girlfriends who are all in the waiting process of getting a phone call telling them that they have been chosen by a birth mom.
For the old friend of mine who unexpectedly lost her 15 month old son recently.
For the wife of a family friend who passed away last year, whose college-aged son now died tragically a couple weeks ago.
For the new friends I've met recently who are working through different stages of infertility.
For the friends and family members who are facing the first and second Mother's day without the precious women who have held that honored place in their lives.
The several beautiful women battling various stages of cancer so that they can continue to be there for their kids...
I spent some time last night praying for a couple of the aforementioned women specifically for whom my heart was breaking for as I realized the implications of what this day would be for them. Praying... because what else could I do? There are times when no spoken words, or Hallmark cards, will suffice to ease the pain. In all honesty, I simply prayed that the day would pass quickly for them, and that the Lord would bring them some amount of peace and strength to make it through.
I'm not even going to pretend that I have some all-satisfying answer to the question of why could God (if He does exist) allow for such pain and tragedy in life. If you are truly seeking an answer there are far more qualified people out there who could talk you through it. I've walked through pain of my own, and have only come through on the other side more thoroughly convinced of His active presence in my life. (Perhaps some stories for later.) It hasn't stopped me from asking "Why?"; or from curling up on my floor sobbing my heart out (or doing that in Starbucks for that matter - true story!).
**SIDE NOTE: had to pause for a while due to a no-longer-pacified infant deciding that he wouldn't wait any longer for his bottle, and who then preceded to have an explosive poop in the middle. But today of all days especially when I felt the frustration mount I stopped and instead decided I was GRATEFUL for such interruptions! And he is pretty cute...**
Even so I would not say that I have faced true tragedy. The kind of horrid event that rocks your world... I had a moment of realization tonight that this day and this moment in time is a perfect gift to be treasured; for I have no idea what the future could hold. It makes this Mother's day all the more precious to me.
Now, it's not fair to focus on all of the pain and "bad stuff" that "God allows to happen" without recognizing all of the good and miracles that abound as well:
The few women who I know are celebrating their first Mother's day with their little babies, after having suffered loss in miscarriages.
Our friends who have found victory over infertility through IUI or IVF who have their precious little ones to celebrate with today.
The amazing couples we know who have walked through adoptions and the beautiful kiddos who have become their own.
My own two miracles Nathan and Zach - for whom I spent countless nights praying for, and wondering when my aching arms would finally be full.
The fact that I've gotten a whole 31 Mother's Days with my mom! (And how about most of the people I know got to have their moms in their lives today?)
There are so many precious women for whom the joy in my heart is overflowing - and for whom all of the goodness of this day is realized and treasured. I've loved seeing the myriad of Facebook posts from my friends who are celebrating their moms, and/or getting spoiled by their own children. It's so refreshing and freeing to even go ON Facebook today - because there was a time in my life when my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. I got to go to church this weekend and not be afraid that I would run out; and although I did still cry a little the tears were the emotional overflowing mix of tapping into old painful memories, but mostly of the "wonderfulness" of knowing that I was indeed a Mama now.
Yep, Mother's Day is bittersweet. If you happen to be reading this and know that you are one of the women I mentioned for whom my heart is burdened - know that you are not forgotten! Your are loved, thought about, cared for, and prayed over.
As I was heading upstairs tonight, I had to snap a picture of the front room of our house:
This is the result of a sugared-up almost 2 year old and a mama who decided to have some fun. (Daddy and a neighbor friend joined in too.) I am sure that there will be some frustration involved with the cleanup as I attempt to get Nathan to help me tomorrow, but for today it's the kind of mess that I treasure!
Life is so freakin' precious.
As I sit here and type this my heart is so incredibly full and grateful for the joy that I get to have on this special day surrounded by the chaos of two beautiful little boys and my wonderful partner-in-life husband. Zach, who is 6 weeks old today, is nestled up beside me looking cute as can be and deciding if he is going to be a cranky little pill who is ready for his pre-bedtime bottle. (At the moment I've got him pacified but he won't be fooled for long!)
My heart is also burdened.
For three dear girlfriends who are all in the waiting process of getting a phone call telling them that they have been chosen by a birth mom.
For the old friend of mine who unexpectedly lost her 15 month old son recently.
For the wife of a family friend who passed away last year, whose college-aged son now died tragically a couple weeks ago.
For the new friends I've met recently who are working through different stages of infertility.
For the friends and family members who are facing the first and second Mother's day without the precious women who have held that honored place in their lives.
The several beautiful women battling various stages of cancer so that they can continue to be there for their kids...
I spent some time last night praying for a couple of the aforementioned women specifically for whom my heart was breaking for as I realized the implications of what this day would be for them. Praying... because what else could I do? There are times when no spoken words, or Hallmark cards, will suffice to ease the pain. In all honesty, I simply prayed that the day would pass quickly for them, and that the Lord would bring them some amount of peace and strength to make it through.
I'm not even going to pretend that I have some all-satisfying answer to the question of why could God (if He does exist) allow for such pain and tragedy in life. If you are truly seeking an answer there are far more qualified people out there who could talk you through it. I've walked through pain of my own, and have only come through on the other side more thoroughly convinced of His active presence in my life. (Perhaps some stories for later.) It hasn't stopped me from asking "Why?"; or from curling up on my floor sobbing my heart out (or doing that in Starbucks for that matter - true story!).
**SIDE NOTE: had to pause for a while due to a no-longer-pacified infant deciding that he wouldn't wait any longer for his bottle, and who then preceded to have an explosive poop in the middle. But today of all days especially when I felt the frustration mount I stopped and instead decided I was GRATEFUL for such interruptions! And he is pretty cute...**
Even so I would not say that I have faced true tragedy. The kind of horrid event that rocks your world... I had a moment of realization tonight that this day and this moment in time is a perfect gift to be treasured; for I have no idea what the future could hold. It makes this Mother's day all the more precious to me.
Now, it's not fair to focus on all of the pain and "bad stuff" that "God allows to happen" without recognizing all of the good and miracles that abound as well:
The few women who I know are celebrating their first Mother's day with their little babies, after having suffered loss in miscarriages.
Our friends who have found victory over infertility through IUI or IVF who have their precious little ones to celebrate with today.
The amazing couples we know who have walked through adoptions and the beautiful kiddos who have become their own.
My own two miracles Nathan and Zach - for whom I spent countless nights praying for, and wondering when my aching arms would finally be full.
The fact that I've gotten a whole 31 Mother's Days with my mom! (And how about most of the people I know got to have their moms in their lives today?)
There are so many precious women for whom the joy in my heart is overflowing - and for whom all of the goodness of this day is realized and treasured. I've loved seeing the myriad of Facebook posts from my friends who are celebrating their moms, and/or getting spoiled by their own children. It's so refreshing and freeing to even go ON Facebook today - because there was a time in my life when my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. I got to go to church this weekend and not be afraid that I would run out; and although I did still cry a little the tears were the emotional overflowing mix of tapping into old painful memories, but mostly of the "wonderfulness" of knowing that I was indeed a Mama now.
Yep, Mother's Day is bittersweet. If you happen to be reading this and know that you are one of the women I mentioned for whom my heart is burdened - know that you are not forgotten! Your are loved, thought about, cared for, and prayed over.
As I was heading upstairs tonight, I had to snap a picture of the front room of our house:
This is the result of a sugared-up almost 2 year old and a mama who decided to have some fun. (Daddy and a neighbor friend joined in too.) I am sure that there will be some frustration involved with the cleanup as I attempt to get Nathan to help me tomorrow, but for today it's the kind of mess that I treasure!
Life is so freakin' precious.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Because this is what I do now...
Wow - it's hard to believe it's been 12 whole weeks since my feet last stepped in to room 403 at good 'ole EHS. That life seems like forever ago, and not even a part of who I am right now. Even though juggling the challenges of postpartum recovery with a newborn and toddler has been stressful and emotional, I am still quite content and grateful to be focused on my new full-time role at home.
SIDE NOTE:
Okay - so many of you may need to remind me of that last sentence in the coming months (or days)! If I had taken note of the number of reasons/times my almost-two year old freaked out and cried yesterday alone there'd be "more than a hundred things!" as my husband stated that evening. It was definitely just "one of those days"; and it culminated in a good soak in my tub with my lavender bubbles and a small helping of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter Ice Cream thoughtfully delivered by my husband. (Yes, it does exist!) I found peace though thinking about how someday these emotional toddler outbursts will be over as he grows up (tear); and when he is a teenage boy I am sure that the hubby and I will LONG FOR the simplicity of them LOL.
BACK TO WHERE I WAS:
I had been wondering if I would struggle with leaving my professionally creative outlet as an Algebra teacher. Believe it or not, yes - MATH class can be incredibly engaging when you have Mrs. Winters. (Snow ball fight anyone?) My teacher peeps can attest to the euphoria of sudden inspiration in lesson design, and then seeing it come to life as your students are simutaneously actually paying attention and learning. THAT is what I will miss. (Curriculum overhalls, high stakes testing, lack of appreciation, district politics... not so much.)
What's left of the energy formally reserved for teaching at the high school is now being funneled into organizing our life and home. I've sketched out a daily routine that I am slowly implementing to give us (mainly Nathan and myself) some stability and consistency. One of the most vital parts is figuring out how to help him engage in some independent time. Enter Pinterest - and the plethora of pins for "busy boxes" and "busy bags". So many great ideas to keep him occupied, and work on his brain (like fine motor skills) at the same time!
I am sticking to the really simple (hey, I think I can actually make that. I can cut out something with scissors!) ideas. I've also hit up Dollar Tree, Marshalls, Amazon (yay for Prime shipping!), and the dollar bins at Target. Once I got started, the creative juices have been flowing and I am actually having to hold myself back. My elementary teacher pals would be so freakin' proud of me... It's been kinda "weird" thinking in a foreign dimension of little people/brains but I am getting the hang of it.
Here is what I have so far:
Now before you start thinking I am too awesome (yes, I know! Hehehe... sigh) let me knock my own self down a few pegs by admitting that Nathan doesn't really grasp the whole "independent play" concept so well; especially when mommy is right there in the kitchen. He also has about a 5-minute attention span. So while I think some of the stuff in those boxes is really fun and interesting I've almost been offended when he laces one hole around a turtle, then proceeds to swing it around his head and fling it across the room before moving on to asking me for "bee". (He has been really in to the Maya the Bee show lately.)
While he intuitively placed little objects in the ice cube tray, he didn't comprehend the dozen uses I intended for the mini shot glasses. But I am slowly showing him the possibilities! If I can average 5 minutes per an activity then that means I need, let's see... sixty divided by five... **pulling out phone calculator app** 12 per box! Oy... Not quite there yet. (Hey, my math teacher persona is a little out of practice okay?) It's already taken me at least two weeks to get some semblance of these boxes put together and ready though so it's time I moved on with the next project on my list, or at least parts of the next three or so.
These matching puzzles (Marshalls) have been one of the best activities.
Those are foam pieces that he is threading on a straw. Hoping he gets more "into" it as time passes.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
3 1/2 weeks in...
A friend came over this morning, with her 6-month old cutie, to put together a crockpot dinner for us and catch up for a bit. During our conversation she asked me my thoughts on the whole "going from none to one kid vs. one to two - which is harder?" scenario.
Honestly, I didn't know how to answer exactly. Those who know us would remember that I was MIA for half of Nathan's first two months of life outside the womb; so in a lot of ways I am getting my first 'real' experience of the newborn phase. Stephen and I have both decided that if we just had Zach right now it would pretty much be piece of cake - - - but I can recall the desperate lows that we hit in the first week home with Nathan (before 4 consequential hospital stays) when we were new to parenting and had no idea what we were doing!
It's a catch 22 - we have so much more confidence now that it seems "easy", but you can't have that confidence without already having gone through it. And it can't actually BE "easy" now because even though we feel like we are getting the hang of the whole newborn thing down, it's the under-two TODDLER that runs us ragged. Just when we are starting to run on fumes we have the blessing of Grandma & Grandpa's house - my mom taking Nathan for a day and night stay once a week; which gives us a much needed breather and Stephen the chance to go to the office for two full days and focus on his job. ('Cause bringing home a paycheck is kind of important you know.)
The most "brilliant" decision that we made this time around was how we are handling the nights - the hubby and I rotating who has the baby. I've got a station set up with diapers, bottles, and everything else we might need in both our room and the nursery, where Stephen has an air mattress bed set up. Zach's bassinet just gets wheeled back and forth. No matter how "rough" a night goes (which, thankfully, isn't too bad with a only a couple of night feedings and the occasional unexpected blowout...) we can be motivated to pull through by the thought that we will get a full sleep the next night. Of course, we are doing our best to be extra intentional with our marriage/relationship since we are sleeping apart - but I have to admit it's nice to sprawl out across the bed as much as I want!
Zach being on formula makes this possible - which I know isn't a factor that everyone has to work with. (I am soooo enjoying actually being AROUND this time to get to know my son and bond with him, without my boobs and other body parts trying to kill me!) My heart and soul so greatly respects all of the moms out there who are solely breastfeeding and making the beautiful sacrifice of waking up EVERY night, EVERY time that their little one needs to eat...
Now, I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression that we are doing perfectly awesome and have it all figured out - literally LOL - 'cause that sure ain't the case! As I stated earlier, figuring out the parent thing with two under two has been a crazy challenge. Nathan is so awesome most of the time, and has seriously taken to being a good big brother; but he is still a not-so-quite-independent toddler who needs a lot of attention and energy and maintenance. (Oh, and has given us an understanding of why there is this thing called the "terrible twos".) And even when he was at my mom's this morning, I still found myself in the typical new-mom state of "I wish someone was here right now to hold this baby for 15 minutes so I could just take a shower".
But life is still good, and we are figuring it out. (And the crockpot dinner was so good and well-timed that it almost brought me to tears.) I can still hardly fathom how blessed we are to have gotten TWO little miracles from our IVF adventure, and it's been an incredible start to the journey of learning how much your heart's capacity to love can multiply! I am so completely enamored with the relationship that I have with Nathan - can't even put into words how awesome it is to be his Mama - and I am excited to see how my relationship with Zach will grow and develop as he does... I've also got a freakishly-awesome husband to partner with so that makes it all the more cool. (Please excuse my lack of interesting adjetives, and I can't remember how to spell adjetives - you know, the whole sleep deprivation thing...)
Ooooh - speaking of sleep - it's my night "off" so I really should be taking advantage of every last minute of rest that I can. So, good night! Zzzzzz.....................
Honestly, I didn't know how to answer exactly. Those who know us would remember that I was MIA for half of Nathan's first two months of life outside the womb; so in a lot of ways I am getting my first 'real' experience of the newborn phase. Stephen and I have both decided that if we just had Zach right now it would pretty much be piece of cake - - - but I can recall the desperate lows that we hit in the first week home with Nathan (before 4 consequential hospital stays) when we were new to parenting and had no idea what we were doing!
It's a catch 22 - we have so much more confidence now that it seems "easy", but you can't have that confidence without already having gone through it. And it can't actually BE "easy" now because even though we feel like we are getting the hang of the whole newborn thing down, it's the under-two TODDLER that runs us ragged. Just when we are starting to run on fumes we have the blessing of Grandma & Grandpa's house - my mom taking Nathan for a day and night stay once a week; which gives us a much needed breather and Stephen the chance to go to the office for two full days and focus on his job. ('Cause bringing home a paycheck is kind of important you know.)
The most "brilliant" decision that we made this time around was how we are handling the nights - the hubby and I rotating who has the baby. I've got a station set up with diapers, bottles, and everything else we might need in both our room and the nursery, where Stephen has an air mattress bed set up. Zach's bassinet just gets wheeled back and forth. No matter how "rough" a night goes (which, thankfully, isn't too bad with a only a couple of night feedings and the occasional unexpected blowout...) we can be motivated to pull through by the thought that we will get a full sleep the next night. Of course, we are doing our best to be extra intentional with our marriage/relationship since we are sleeping apart - but I have to admit it's nice to sprawl out across the bed as much as I want!
Zach being on formula makes this possible - which I know isn't a factor that everyone has to work with. (I am soooo enjoying actually being AROUND this time to get to know my son and bond with him, without my boobs and other body parts trying to kill me!) My heart and soul so greatly respects all of the moms out there who are solely breastfeeding and making the beautiful sacrifice of waking up EVERY night, EVERY time that their little one needs to eat...
Now, I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression that we are doing perfectly awesome and have it all figured out - literally LOL - 'cause that sure ain't the case! As I stated earlier, figuring out the parent thing with two under two has been a crazy challenge. Nathan is so awesome most of the time, and has seriously taken to being a good big brother; but he is still a not-so-quite-independent toddler who needs a lot of attention and energy and maintenance. (Oh, and has given us an understanding of why there is this thing called the "terrible twos".) And even when he was at my mom's this morning, I still found myself in the typical new-mom state of "I wish someone was here right now to hold this baby for 15 minutes so I could just take a shower".
But life is still good, and we are figuring it out. (And the crockpot dinner was so good and well-timed that it almost brought me to tears.) I can still hardly fathom how blessed we are to have gotten TWO little miracles from our IVF adventure, and it's been an incredible start to the journey of learning how much your heart's capacity to love can multiply! I am so completely enamored with the relationship that I have with Nathan - can't even put into words how awesome it is to be his Mama - and I am excited to see how my relationship with Zach will grow and develop as he does... I've also got a freakishly-awesome husband to partner with so that makes it all the more cool. (Please excuse my lack of interesting adjetives, and I can't remember how to spell adjetives - you know, the whole sleep deprivation thing...)
Ooooh - speaking of sleep - it's my night "off" so I really should be taking advantage of every last minute of rest that I can. So, good night! Zzzzzz.....................
Friday, February 20, 2015
A New (sudden!) Chapter...
Most probably noticed from my Facebook feed that yesterday that I wrapped up teaching. Got to celebrate with my favorite - a messy sundae - and the fam, what is in all aspects for now my "retirement" as my mom posted. A couple of weeks ago I'd requested a one-year leave of absence for the next school year, and I was transitioning my life and mentality towards becoming a stay-at-home mom. It all happened, however, about 5 weeks sooner than I had expected!
For those who've been inquiring: I'd originally planned on making it to Spring Break before officially starting maternity leave. I hadn't been doing so great physically this time around (imagine that - pregnancy is a bit tougher when you're running around after a toddler at the same time LOL). But it's not an easy situation when you only have about 4 days of sick leave to use for 6-8 weeks of maternity, (meaning I'd be paying from my check to fund the sub who would be covering my classes for the remaining time I was out). So going out before the baby came had certain financial repercussions.
Anyhow, our plans were cast aside this week! Woke up at the resort in Temecula on Monday morning, where the hubby and I were enjoying a much-needed Babymoon weekend of relaxation, and hit the bathroom due to a terrible case of food poisoning. I was miserable, and recognized that I was not able to keep any fluids in me. So we checked out and headed straight down to our "favorite" ER. By the time we arrived I was having contractions every 2 minutes - not painful yet, but intense!
(My ER view - we are well-versed in biding out time at the hospital! Stephen had a fun game on his phone to play this time around.)
A full day and night spent in the hospital, getting IV fluids and monitoring the baby really put things in perspective. My OB strongly suggested not working until the baby comes. While I was hesitant to leave my job with so little warning, the previous 30 stressful hours made it easy to capitulate. Stephen was quick to agree, being quite concerned about the safety of Zach and I. Honestly, if it had been entirely up to him and I'd never have set foot back on campus. I was sent home eventually, and ordered to bed for the rest of the day.
I was able to negotiate with Stephen my going to work Wednesday solely on the condition that my student teacher (who would also be my maternity long-term sub) would do all the teaching, that I'd sit at my desk with my feet up, drink fluids constantly, and immediately go home if my body was too tired or contractions started consistently again. Even just walking down to the admin office felt like I'd ran a marathon! While I graded papers and completed other tasks from my seat, the hubby was busy on the phone with our district HR and my OB's office. By the time I waddled out near the end of the day and told him I was going home, he told me that they were all in agreement that I needed to pull-the-plug on teaching and start some modified bed rest.
After convincing him that I did indeed need one more day to "get my ducks in a row", I waddled back to find my student teacher to let her know that she'd be officially taking over. (I'd have been better off at home in bed, but any teacher can tell you all about the stress of unexpectedly being out - not to mention for pretty much the rest of the school year!) Yesterday was a bittersweet whirlwind for me, as I had planned on a few more weeks in a job that I loved and leaving as much as a positive impact as possible in my students' lives. At least I was able to get as much organized for my sub as possible and enjoyed a few great conversations with some peeps who I love!
Then God gave me the BEST gift ever - right after school a former student came by, (he'd heard I was leaving) to tell me all about how I'd completely changed his attitude towards math and that he had loved coming to school every day because of his Algebra class. I got to close my door and walk away from 8 years on that note - a validation of my hopes and dreams for the job I'd done and the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested. How rad is that?!
(My "wall of inspiration" - hoping to get my students motivated to work hard and give themselves opportunities... or at least think about the world outside of Escondido!)
I know that I will be back at some point at the end of the year - whether for a week or so if I'm healthy enough to sit in the room and what my student teacher finish the job that she has taken over, or at least to get my stuff organized and packed up. (That was something else I thought I'd have a few weeks to get done LOL). But for the foreseeable future my "Mrs. Winters, High School Math Teacher" hat is officially retired and replaced with my "Mama" one! (Or as husband would say, my "Baby Cooking" one.)
And for the immediate future, this is supposed to be my daily view:
And for the immediate future, this is supposed to be my daily view:
It is a bit of relief to not be torn between the worlds of a out-of-the-home job and home. I have a whole freakin' LIST of about a million or so things I needed to get done around the house, but have been too exhausted or sick to even think about. Of course, the hubby has wisely informed me that the point of this rest is not to substitute working at school to working at home... Apparently I am supposed to actually use this time to recuperate, get healthy, and keep Zach cooking 'till his due date. ;0) Intermittent contractions have continued and keep me grounded - and just waddling up our stairs is enough of a strain on my body to remind me that I was sick enough to be in the hospital just three days ago... Guess I will focus on the projects that I can do in my bed for now!
Friday, August 15, 2014
Alive and "well"!
For all those who've been asking about the ultrasound -
There is ONE little bean in there!
We can hardly believe it. Must be a girl - drama, drama, drama.... right?! One super healthy, strong, nausea-inducing little joy. We saw a heartbeat flickering away, and everything looks great so far.
I am also grateful to say that we've worked out a good meds situation with our OB and I have dramatically improved in the tummy area. I actually EAT now, and keep it down. I've also got some typical exhaustion and cloudy preggo brain symptoms; couldn't think of the word "plate" today. Hmmmmm....
This week was all about being sucked into the stress of faculty meetings, classroom setup, and lesson planning. Fair warning - I am probably going to stay in the dark hole until after the flurry of the next week and a half dies down a bit. It's a bit of a marathon getting through the first week of school. (Fellow teachers, can I get a witness?!)
I could cry tears of joy at the thought of a no-alarm Saturday morning. (Seriously, tearing up here!)
Grateful for so much right now - my heart is full!
Hugs!
There is ONE little bean in there!
We can hardly believe it. Must be a girl - drama, drama, drama.... right?! One super healthy, strong, nausea-inducing little joy. We saw a heartbeat flickering away, and everything looks great so far.
I am also grateful to say that we've worked out a good meds situation with our OB and I have dramatically improved in the tummy area. I actually EAT now, and keep it down. I've also got some typical exhaustion and cloudy preggo brain symptoms; couldn't think of the word "plate" today. Hmmmmm....
This week was all about being sucked into the stress of faculty meetings, classroom setup, and lesson planning. Fair warning - I am probably going to stay in the dark hole until after the flurry of the next week and a half dies down a bit. It's a bit of a marathon getting through the first week of school. (Fellow teachers, can I get a witness?!)
I could cry tears of joy at the thought of a no-alarm Saturday morning. (Seriously, tearing up here!)
Grateful for so much right now - my heart is full!
Hugs!
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Cracking...
I just googled hypermesis gravidarum.
At the bottom of the page I'm left with:
Isn't that encouraging? Ack!
That's a picture of some of the items i carry around in my "nausea bag" that goes with me everywhere.
I thought I'd had a breakthrough yesterday when we gave up on the Diclegis meds and switched to Zofran. For the most of one whole day I was back to my old self and on top of the world. At one point I made a chicken salad sandwich and ate it.
I dared myself to hope that we'd had a breakthrough. I pictured myself charging ahead heading back to work next week laughing and putting together a classroom like it was nothing. Another dose before bed made me loopy and I blissfully settled into sleep.
Oh, Zofran! You betray me! I thought we had a good thing going, ya know?!
Although I have not officially hit my knees in front of the porcelain throne today it has taken all of my willpower not too. I'm terrified of aggravating an apparent abdominal muscle strain - a gift of the night of misery early in the week I am sure - that will set off a searing, sharp pain. Arg.
At least I got some rolled tacos in me at one point... I know, doesn't make much sense right? But anyone who has dealt with the beast of serious morning sickness knows that if ANYTHING at ANY TIME sounds edible you find a way to get it and you eat it! (In fact, after trying to distract me with a walk around the lake I came home and finished off a couple spoon-fulls of spumoni ice cream from The Spaghetti Factory. Unfortunately only one place for that... I wonder if they'd even let me order a bag of little containers of it to go? LOL)
Ugh - I can't even read back that last paragraph now.
Poor Duchess Kate was hospitalized when she was preggers. I was thinking about that earlier. I wonder what it would be like to have a staff who could get a doctor at any time of the night, have a prescription delivered... I bet the manager at the local Spaghetti Factory would be honored to deliver a bowl of Spumoni any time 24/7!
I am thankfully NOT at the point of hospitalization, or even very close as of now, and I do have my hubby who selflessly has run about on a whim or necessity to get me meds and food at all hours of the day. (Love that man!)
Thank you to those who have posted tips/advice. (I have wanted to try that smoothie remedy but couldn't stomach making oatmeal today haha. Maybe this week when I have a "strong hour" or two.)
I am definitely cracking - Stephen brought my little man in to say goodnight while I was sitting in the shower with my head on the wall, and his sweet little face brought tears to my eyes. I could only look at him through the glass door and blow him kisses, then watch as he watched me until daddy turned the corner and took him out of our room to sing him a song and put him to bed.
Lunch and dinner was always our time, but I have understandably faltered around the sights and smells of the kitchen lately. Tonight I got him started but had to give in, ask the hubby to take over, and collapse into bed. Right now I have our video monitor on the bedside table next to me and I am grateful to watch him peacefully sleeping away...
Six. More. Weeks.
That's what we tell ourselves. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. Kind of reminds me of eternity - in the perspective of forever the hard things we walk through in life are over in the blink of an eye!
I thank the Lord for this battle - because I fought for the honor of having it! Heck, we paid more than thirty grand over the course of years to get to deal with a horrid bout of morning sickness! So many women out there would GLADLY take my place, because the sicker I feel the more prominent of a reminder it is that I have a beautiful life growing inside of me. I got a second chance - two for two! How amazing is that?
I'd also acknowledge that there are others who are walking through painful trials without the promise of a happy ending.
So, my dears friends - if you see me stumbling a bit in the next weeks, (especially at work - I am kinda freaked out about figuring some kind of solution out before being trapped in a classroom with 38 freshmen), remind me of my words! Sometimes it's okay to break down and cry, and acknowledge that this SUCKS, but sometimes I will need to get some perspective and get through it! (Or just walk out and puke, right? I am sure they will handle that distraction just fine and get back to their Algebra.) LOL...
Hugs!
(Ps - hubby when you read this can you bring me an apple and almond butter? I'm gonna go for it!)
At the bottom of the page I'm left with:
Notable cases
Author Charlotte Brontë is often thought to have suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. She died in 1855 while four months pregnant, having been afflicted by intractable nausea and vomiting throughout her pregnancy, and was unable to tolerate food or even water.Isn't that encouraging? Ack!
I thought I'd had a breakthrough yesterday when we gave up on the Diclegis meds and switched to Zofran. For the most of one whole day I was back to my old self and on top of the world. At one point I made a chicken salad sandwich and ate it.
I dared myself to hope that we'd had a breakthrough. I pictured myself charging ahead heading back to work next week laughing and putting together a classroom like it was nothing. Another dose before bed made me loopy and I blissfully settled into sleep.
Oh, Zofran! You betray me! I thought we had a good thing going, ya know?!
Although I have not officially hit my knees in front of the porcelain throne today it has taken all of my willpower not too. I'm terrified of aggravating an apparent abdominal muscle strain - a gift of the night of misery early in the week I am sure - that will set off a searing, sharp pain. Arg.
At least I got some rolled tacos in me at one point... I know, doesn't make much sense right? But anyone who has dealt with the beast of serious morning sickness knows that if ANYTHING at ANY TIME sounds edible you find a way to get it and you eat it! (In fact, after trying to distract me with a walk around the lake I came home and finished off a couple spoon-fulls of spumoni ice cream from The Spaghetti Factory. Unfortunately only one place for that... I wonder if they'd even let me order a bag of little containers of it to go? LOL)
Ugh - I can't even read back that last paragraph now.
Poor Duchess Kate was hospitalized when she was preggers. I was thinking about that earlier. I wonder what it would be like to have a staff who could get a doctor at any time of the night, have a prescription delivered... I bet the manager at the local Spaghetti Factory would be honored to deliver a bowl of Spumoni any time 24/7!
I am thankfully NOT at the point of hospitalization, or even very close as of now, and I do have my hubby who selflessly has run about on a whim or necessity to get me meds and food at all hours of the day. (Love that man!)
Thank you to those who have posted tips/advice. (I have wanted to try that smoothie remedy but couldn't stomach making oatmeal today haha. Maybe this week when I have a "strong hour" or two.)
I am definitely cracking - Stephen brought my little man in to say goodnight while I was sitting in the shower with my head on the wall, and his sweet little face brought tears to my eyes. I could only look at him through the glass door and blow him kisses, then watch as he watched me until daddy turned the corner and took him out of our room to sing him a song and put him to bed.
Lunch and dinner was always our time, but I have understandably faltered around the sights and smells of the kitchen lately. Tonight I got him started but had to give in, ask the hubby to take over, and collapse into bed. Right now I have our video monitor on the bedside table next to me and I am grateful to watch him peacefully sleeping away...
Here is my latest cute picture of him just because it makes me happy to look at it!
Six. More. Weeks.
That's what we tell ourselves. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. Kind of reminds me of eternity - in the perspective of forever the hard things we walk through in life are over in the blink of an eye!
I thank the Lord for this battle - because I fought for the honor of having it! Heck, we paid more than thirty grand over the course of years to get to deal with a horrid bout of morning sickness! So many women out there would GLADLY take my place, because the sicker I feel the more prominent of a reminder it is that I have a beautiful life growing inside of me. I got a second chance - two for two! How amazing is that?
I'd also acknowledge that there are others who are walking through painful trials without the promise of a happy ending.
So, my dears friends - if you see me stumbling a bit in the next weeks, (especially at work - I am kinda freaked out about figuring some kind of solution out before being trapped in a classroom with 38 freshmen), remind me of my words! Sometimes it's okay to break down and cry, and acknowledge that this SUCKS, but sometimes I will need to get some perspective and get through it! (Or just walk out and puke, right? I am sure they will handle that distraction just fine and get back to their Algebra.) LOL...
Hugs!
(Ps - hubby when you read this can you bring me an apple and almond butter? I'm gonna go for it!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)