As I sit here and type this my heart is so incredibly full and grateful for the joy that I get to have on this special day surrounded by the chaos of two beautiful little boys and my wonderful partner-in-life husband. Zach, who is 6 weeks old today, is nestled up beside me looking cute as can be and deciding if he is going to be a cranky little pill who is ready for his pre-bedtime bottle. (At the moment I've got him pacified but he won't be fooled for long!)
My heart is also burdened.
For three dear girlfriends who are all in the waiting process of getting a phone call telling them that they have been chosen by a birth mom.
For the old friend of mine who unexpectedly lost her 15 month old son recently.
For the wife of a family friend who passed away last year, whose college-aged son now died tragically a couple weeks ago.
For the new friends I've met recently who are working through different stages of infertility.
For the friends and family members who are facing the first and second Mother's day without the precious women who have held that honored place in their lives.
The several beautiful women battling various stages of cancer so that they can continue to be there for their kids...
I spent some time last night praying for a couple of the aforementioned women specifically for whom my heart was breaking for as I realized the implications of what this day would be for them. Praying... because what else could I do? There are times when no spoken words, or Hallmark cards, will suffice to ease the pain. In all honesty, I simply prayed that the day would pass quickly for them, and that the Lord would bring them some amount of peace and strength to make it through.
I'm not even going to pretend that I have some all-satisfying answer to the question of why could God (if He does exist) allow for such pain and tragedy in life. If you are truly seeking an answer there are far more qualified people out there who could talk you through it. I've walked through pain of my own, and have only come through on the other side more thoroughly convinced of His active presence in my life. (Perhaps some stories for later.) It hasn't stopped me from asking "Why?"; or from curling up on my floor sobbing my heart out (or doing that in Starbucks for that matter - true story!).
**SIDE NOTE: had to pause for a while due to a no-longer-pacified infant deciding that he wouldn't wait any longer for his bottle, and who then preceded to have an explosive poop in the middle. But today of all days especially when I felt the frustration mount I stopped and instead decided I was GRATEFUL for such interruptions! And he is pretty cute...**
Even so I would not say that I have faced true tragedy. The kind of horrid event that rocks your world... I had a moment of realization tonight that this day and this moment in time is a perfect gift to be treasured; for I have no idea what the future could hold. It makes this Mother's day all the more precious to me.
Now, it's not fair to focus on all of the pain and "bad stuff" that "God allows to happen" without recognizing all of the good and miracles that abound as well:
The few women who I know are celebrating their first Mother's day with their little babies, after having suffered loss in miscarriages.
Our friends who have found victory over infertility through IUI or IVF who have their precious little ones to celebrate with today.
The amazing couples we know who have walked through adoptions and the beautiful kiddos who have become their own.
My own two miracles Nathan and Zach - for whom I spent countless nights praying for, and wondering when my aching arms would finally be full.
The fact that I've gotten a whole 31 Mother's Days with my mom! (And how about most of the people I know got to have their moms in their lives today?)
There are so many precious women for whom the joy in my heart is overflowing - and for whom all of the goodness of this day is realized and treasured. I've loved seeing the myriad of Facebook posts from my friends who are celebrating their moms, and/or getting spoiled by their own children. It's so refreshing and freeing to even go ON Facebook today - because there was a time in my life when my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. I got to go to church this weekend and not be afraid that I would run out; and although I did still cry a little the tears were the emotional overflowing mix of tapping into old painful memories, but mostly of the "wonderfulness" of knowing that I was indeed a Mama now.
Yep, Mother's Day is bittersweet. If you happen to be reading this and know that you are one of the women I mentioned for whom my heart is burdened - know that you are not forgotten! Your are loved, thought about, cared for, and prayed over.
As I was heading upstairs tonight, I had to snap a picture of the front room of our house:
This is the result of a sugared-up almost 2 year old and a mama who decided to have some fun. (Daddy and a neighbor friend joined in too.) I am sure that there will be some frustration involved with the cleanup as I attempt to get Nathan to help me tomorrow, but for today it's the kind of mess that I treasure!
Life is so freakin' precious.
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