"Do you miss it?" They want to know... And I would swiftly come back with "Nope!". The past couple months have found me completely grateful to be able to be home with Nathan and Zach. I've been feeling totally at peace with not dealing with the stress and drama of the job. Add to it the fact that only two or three students even came up to me and said "thank you" or expressed sadness that I was leaving (and unexpectedly sooner than planned); so I'd say there wasn't a lot of love lost in that department either. And, honestly, that's kind of sad. After all, I'd devoted a good chunk of my life to that job and EHS for eight years along with a large portion of my heart and soul.
It is time for me to move on, and this has been the right decision.
Still...
My leaving for maternity leave early to go on modified bedrest was like an unexpected not-so-great breakup. I had planned to have another four or five weeks to come to terms with the end of the "relationship" and get my affairs in order. The way I ended it, with only a one-day notice, left me without any good closure. Eight years (and a half if you count student teaching, which I do!) is no small amount of time to spend investing your time, energy, blood, sweat, and (a TON) of tears...
Two days ago I was sitting in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-a scrolling Facebook and came across an awesome post from a fellow teacher friend of mine whose senior students had been caught trying to pull a spectacular prank on her. My first reaction was to laugh, of course - 'cause it was quite awesome indeed. But then a felt a twinge of bitterness creep over my mood.
Bitterness?
It kind of surprised me, and had nothing to do with my friend and her students. In fact, I absolutely LOVE how many freakishly AMAZING teachers I know who make the kind of impact that inspires goofy uperclassmen to do silly things. (Like the senior calculus class who stole the class mascot, Stan the Can, and shipped him all over the country to their different schools. They put together a scrapbook of his adventures and presented it to their teacher at the end of the first semester at a special dinner they held in her honor. That is pretty much the bomb.) Those are the kind of stories that the people in this country need to hear.
As I probed my heart, I realized that I was envious of this post. Teaching freshmen for the entirety of my tenure doesn't allow for a lot of love around graduation time. The students who claimed to love me and my class usually forgot who I was when I strolled into their junior year math class to harass their current teacher. I'm not showered with gifts at Christmas, or thank yous during Teacher Appreciation week. Freshmen can barely see past the end of their nose, let alone into a future where they realize with monumentuous appreciation how learning to think algebraically is actually important. (It's not all about memorizing formulas people! LOL)
The Facebook post was a catalyst to all sorts of lies that began to creep into my mind...
Did it really matter that I was leaving?
Did I do enough while I was there? Did I really make a big enough impact?
Yes, I call them out as lies because that's what they are. I don't need to seek validation because I have a drawer full of letters that prove otherwise. For seven years I required one last assignment of my students: to write a letter to the next year's freshmen about what they need to know for high school, Algebra, and Mrs. Winters' class. Every year I am pleasantly surprised to tears to read letters from students who indirectly or directly describe the positive influence that my teaching has had on them.
Wait - every year I was surprised. Whoa.
Someone recently asked me what I did for a living. "I'm a high school math teacher. Well, I guess I was I high school math teacher," I stumbled. "I mean, technically I'm still on paid status but I've been out..." (I think they lost interest before I figured out what I was saying.)
Oh. My. Gosh. Who am I?
I know I'm the newly-minted SAHM (cool lingo acronym for "Stay at Home Mom") with the purple hair, right? If that move didn't cry out that I'm breaking free and trying new things then I don't know what would... Hehehehehehehe...
I've been trying new things on the menus at restaurants too! Which wouldn't seem like a big deal but I think I literally ordered the same exact meal at Rubios for almost a decade. (Two taco combo plate with one regular fish taco and one chicken in case you were curious.) And don't even get me started on my Pinterest projects - you've already seen my "busy box" post I am sure.
I was driving home one day and a cool lesson idea popped into my head and I immediately thought, "Ooooh, I've got to try that!". Then I realized that, no, I couldn't try that because I am not going to be teaching anymore. And then my electrician brother sent me a text a few days ago about how excited he was because he figured out an equation that he could program into his calculator for his business; and I was on the verge of devastation that future freshmen Algebra students wouldn't get the fabulous opportunity to see that y = mx+b IS applicable to real life! (Of course they probably wouldn't have anyway since all our new curriculum has been chosen for us... Oops, that was snarky of me!)
My dear friend reminded me today that I will now get to teach my own kids. I looked at her in exasperation, "But I'm a high school Algebra teacher! I think that's a little over Nathan's head!" (If some how you are reading this and don't know me, he will be two next month.) I chose high school over elementary school for a reason, and that level of math is what I am passionate about. (Was passionate about? Wait, I can still BE right?)
It's been a strange, and illuminating path of exploration in pouring my creative juices into the toddler world. I guess that's a part of who I am now.
These past couple of days have been rough emotionally; and I'm learning a LOT about myself I'd never realized before. There are a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects that I need to recognize as I step away from a professional career that I was actually quite good at. (For example, I'd finally gotten good at setting healthy boundaries at work - but I'm suddenly floundering in figuring out what those should be and how to put them in place at home. That's probably worth a whole blog post in itself!)
I'm scared that I won't have anything "interesting" to contribute in conversation with my husband. (Really, the way that I used my Bed Bath and Beyond coupon to purchase the k-cups I'd been eyeing at a lower price than Target isn't exactly newsworthy in most people's eyes.) But I know that this fear is most likely rooted in some insecurities about finding new significance in my job as a full-time homemaker.
Well, I've digressed, and digressed. That one Facebook post opened a full-on FLOOD of thoughts and emotions. It's obvious I've got a bunch of stuff on my heart and mind and could probably write forever tonight; but then what next amazing post would there be to look forward to? Guess that's what this blog is turning in to - morphing from our journey through infertility to my personal journal about figuring out how to transition to this new chapter of life. The Good Lord is definitely at work, that's for sure! I also will be returning to work next week for final exams so that I can pack up my classroom and say "hey" to my peeps one more time. (Why haven't I every bought waterproof mascara?! Apparently I may need it...)
Time to wrap it up for tonight - the boys are asleep (still can't believe there are TWO of them now!) and the hubby is on his way home. I've got to go Google something interesting to tell him.
No comments:
Post a Comment