3 1/2 weeks in...

A friend came over this morning, with her 6-month old cutie, to put together a crockpot dinner for us and catch up for a bit. During our conversation she asked me my thoughts on the whole "going from none to one kid vs. one to two - which is harder?" scenario.

Honestly, I didn't know how to answer exactly. Those who know us would remember that I was MIA for half of Nathan's first two months of life outside the womb; so in a lot of ways I am getting my first 'real' experience of the newborn phase. Stephen and I have both decided that if we just had Zach right now it would pretty much be piece of cake - - - but I can recall the desperate lows that we hit in the first week home with Nathan (before 4 consequential hospital stays) when we were new to parenting and had no idea what we were doing!

It's a catch 22 - we have so much more confidence now that it seems "easy", but you can't have that confidence without already having gone through it. And it can't actually BE "easy" now because even though we feel like we are getting the hang of the whole newborn thing down, it's the under-two TODDLER that runs us ragged. Just when we are starting to run on fumes we have the blessing of Grandma & Grandpa's house - my mom taking Nathan for a day and night stay once a week; which gives us a much needed breather and Stephen the chance to go to the office for two full days and focus on his job. ('Cause bringing home a paycheck is kind of important you know.)

The most "brilliant" decision that we made this time around was how we are handling the nights - the hubby and I rotating who has the baby. I've got a station set up with diapers, bottles, and everything else we might need in both our room and the nursery, where Stephen has an air mattress bed set up. Zach's bassinet just gets wheeled back and forth. No matter how "rough" a night goes (which, thankfully, isn't too bad with a only a couple of night feedings and the occasional unexpected blowout...) we can be motivated to pull through by the thought that we will get a full sleep the next night. Of course, we are doing our best to be extra intentional with our marriage/relationship since we are sleeping apart - but I have to admit it's nice to sprawl out across the bed as much as I want!

Zach being on formula makes this possible - which I know isn't a factor that everyone has to work with. (I am soooo enjoying actually being AROUND this time to get to know my son and bond with him, without my boobs and other body parts trying to kill me!) My heart and soul so greatly respects all of the moms out there who are solely breastfeeding and making the beautiful sacrifice of waking up EVERY night, EVERY time that their little one needs to eat...

Now, I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression that we are doing perfectly awesome and have it all figured out - literally LOL - 'cause that sure ain't the case! As I stated earlier, figuring out the parent thing with two under two has been a crazy challenge. Nathan is so awesome most of the time, and has seriously taken to being a good big brother; but he is still a not-so-quite-independent toddler who needs a lot of attention and energy and maintenance. (Oh, and has given us an understanding of why there is this thing called the "terrible twos".) And even when he was at my mom's this morning, I still found myself in the typical new-mom state of "I wish someone was here right now to hold this baby for 15 minutes so I could just take a shower".

But life is still good, and we are figuring it out. (And the crockpot dinner was so good and well-timed that it almost brought me to tears.) I can still hardly fathom how blessed we are to have gotten TWO little miracles from our IVF adventure, and it's been an incredible start to the journey of learning how much your heart's capacity to love can multiply! I am so completely enamored with the relationship that I have with Nathan - can't even put into words how awesome it is to be his Mama - and I am excited to see how my relationship with Zach will grow and develop as he does... I've also got a freakishly-awesome husband to partner with so that makes it all the more cool. (Please excuse my lack of interesting adjetives, and I can't remember how to spell adjetives - you know, the whole sleep deprivation thing...)

Ooooh - speaking of sleep - it's my night "off" so I really should be taking advantage of every last minute of rest that I can. So, good night! Zzzzzz.....................

A New (sudden!) Chapter...

Most probably noticed from my Facebook feed that yesterday that I wrapped up teaching. Got to celebrate with my favorite - a messy sundae - and the fam, what is in all aspects for now my "retirement" as my mom posted. A couple of weeks ago I'd requested a one-year leave of absence for the next school year, and I was transitioning my life and mentality towards becoming a stay-at-home mom. It all happened, however, about 5 weeks sooner than I had expected!

For those who've been inquiring:  I'd originally planned on making it to Spring Break before officially starting maternity leave. I hadn't been doing so great physically this time around (imagine that - pregnancy is a bit tougher when you're running around after a toddler at the same time LOL). But it's not an easy situation when you only have about 4 days of sick leave to use for 6-8 weeks of maternity, (meaning I'd be paying from my check to fund the sub who would be covering my classes for the remaining time I was out). So going out before the baby came had certain financial repercussions.

Anyhow, our plans were cast aside this week! Woke up at the resort in Temecula on Monday morning, where the hubby and I were enjoying a much-needed Babymoon weekend of relaxation, and hit the bathroom due to a terrible case of food poisoning. I was miserable, and recognized that I was not able to keep any fluids in me. So we checked out and headed straight down to our "favorite" ER. By the time we arrived I was having contractions every 2 minutes - not painful yet, but intense!

(My ER view - we are well-versed in biding out time at the hospital! Stephen had a fun game on his phone to play this time around.)

A full day and night spent in the hospital, getting IV fluids and monitoring the baby really put things in perspective.  My OB strongly suggested not working until the baby comes.  While I was hesitant to leave my job with so little warning, the previous 30 stressful hours made it easy to capitulate.  Stephen was quick to agree, being quite concerned about the safety of Zach and I.  Honestly, if it had been entirely up to him and I'd never have set foot back on campus.  I was sent home eventually, and ordered to bed for the rest of the day.

I was able to negotiate with Stephen my going to work Wednesday solely on the condition that my student teacher (who would also be my maternity long-term sub) would do all the teaching, that I'd sit at my desk with my feet up, drink fluids constantly, and immediately go home if my body was too tired or contractions started consistently again. Even just walking down to the admin office felt like I'd ran a marathon! While I graded papers and completed other tasks from my seat, the hubby was busy on the phone with our district HR and my OB's office. By the time I waddled out near the end of the day and told him I was going home, he told me that they were all in agreement that I needed to pull-the-plug on teaching and start some modified bed rest.

After convincing him that I did indeed need one more day to "get my ducks in a row", I waddled back to find my student teacher to let her know that she'd be officially taking over. (I'd have been better off at home in bed, but any teacher can tell you all about the stress of unexpectedly being out - not to mention for pretty much the rest of the school year!) Yesterday was a bittersweet whirlwind for me, as I had planned on a few more weeks in a job that I loved and leaving as much as a positive impact as possible in my students' lives. At least I was able to get as much organized for my sub as possible and enjoyed a few great conversations with some peeps who I love!

Then God gave me the BEST gift ever - right after school a former student came by, (he'd heard I was leaving) to tell me all about how I'd completely changed his attitude towards math and that he had loved coming to school every day because of his Algebra class. I got to close my door and walk away from 8 years on that note - a validation of my hopes and dreams for the job I'd done and the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested. How rad is that?!

(My "wall of inspiration" - hoping to get my students motivated to work hard and give themselves opportunities... or at least think about the world outside of Escondido!)

I know that I will be back at some point at the end of the year - whether for a week or so if I'm healthy enough to sit in the room and what my student teacher finish the job that she has taken over, or at least to get my stuff organized and packed up. (That was something else I thought I'd have a few weeks to get done LOL). But for the foreseeable future my "Mrs. Winters, High School Math Teacher" hat is officially retired and replaced with my "Mama" one! (Or as husband would say, my "Baby Cooking" one.)

 And for the immediate future, this is supposed to be my daily view:

It is a bit of relief to not be torn between the worlds of a out-of-the-home job and home. I have a whole freakin' LIST of about a million or so things I needed to get done around the house, but have been too exhausted or sick to even think about. Of course, the hubby has wisely informed me that the point of this rest is not to substitute working at school to working at home... Apparently I am supposed to actually use this time to recuperate, get healthy, and keep Zach cooking 'till his due date. ;0)  Intermittent contractions have continued and keep me grounded - and just waddling up our stairs is enough of a strain on my body to remind me that I was sick enough to be in the hospital just three days ago... Guess I will focus on the projects that I can do in my bed for now!

Alive and "well"!

For all those who've been asking about the ultrasound -

There is ONE little bean in there!

We can hardly believe it. Must be a girl - drama, drama, drama.... right?! One super healthy, strong, nausea-inducing little joy. We saw a heartbeat flickering away, and everything looks great so far.

I am also grateful to say that we've worked out a good meds situation with our OB and I have dramatically improved in the tummy area. I actually EAT now, and keep it down. I've also got some typical exhaustion and cloudy preggo brain symptoms; couldn't think of the word "plate" today. Hmmmmm....

This week was all about being sucked into the stress of faculty meetings, classroom setup, and lesson planning. Fair warning - I am probably going to stay in the dark hole until after the flurry of the next week and a half dies down a bit. It's a bit of a marathon getting through the first week of school. (Fellow teachers, can I get a witness?!)

I could cry tears of joy at the thought of a no-alarm Saturday morning. (Seriously, tearing up here!)

Grateful for so much right now - my heart is full!

Hugs!

Cracking...

I just googled hypermesis gravidarum.

At the bottom of the page I'm left with:

Notable cases

Author Charlotte Brontë is often thought to have suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. She died in 1855 while four months pregnant, having been afflicted by intractable nausea and vomiting throughout her pregnancy, and was unable to tolerate food or even water.

Isn't that encouraging? Ack!

That's a picture of some of the items i carry around in my "nausea bag" that goes with me everywhere. 

I thought I'd had a breakthrough yesterday when we gave up on the Diclegis meds and switched to Zofran. For the most of one whole day I was back to my old self and on top of the world. At one point I made a chicken salad sandwich and ate it.  

I dared myself to hope that we'd had a breakthrough. I pictured myself charging ahead heading back to work next week laughing and putting together a classroom like it was nothing. Another dose before bed made me loopy and I blissfully settled into sleep.

Oh, Zofran! You betray me! I thought we had a good thing going, ya know?!

Although I have not officially hit my knees in front of the porcelain throne today it has taken all of my willpower not too. I'm terrified of aggravating an apparent abdominal muscle strain - a gift of the night of misery early in the week I am sure - that will set off a searing, sharp pain. Arg. 

At least I got some rolled tacos in me at one point... I know, doesn't make much sense right? But anyone who has dealt with the beast of serious morning sickness knows that if ANYTHING at ANY TIME sounds edible you find a way to get it and you eat it! (In fact, after trying to distract me with a walk around the lake I came home and finished off a couple spoon-fulls of spumoni ice cream from The Spaghetti Factory. Unfortunately only one place for that... I wonder if they'd even let me order a bag of little containers of it to go? LOL)

Ugh - I can't even read back that last paragraph now. 

Poor Duchess Kate was hospitalized when she was preggers. I was thinking about that earlier. I wonder what it would be like to have a staff who could get a doctor at any time of the night, have a prescription delivered... I bet the manager at the local Spaghetti Factory would be honored to deliver a bowl of Spumoni any time 24/7! 

I am thankfully NOT at the point of hospitalization, or even very close as of now, and I do have my hubby who selflessly has run about on a whim or necessity to get me meds and food at all hours of the day. (Love that man!)

Thank you to those who have posted tips/advice. (I have wanted to try that smoothie remedy but couldn't stomach making oatmeal today haha. Maybe this week when I have a "strong hour" or two.)

I am definitely cracking - Stephen brought my little man in to say goodnight while I was sitting in the shower with my head on the wall, and his sweet little face brought tears to my eyes. I could only look at him through the glass door and blow him kisses, then watch as he watched me until daddy turned the corner and took him out of our room to sing him a song and put him to bed. 

Lunch and dinner was always our time, but I have understandably faltered around the sights and smells of the kitchen lately. Tonight I got him started but had to give in, ask the hubby to take over, and collapse into bed. Right now I have our video monitor on the bedside table next to me and I am grateful to watch him peacefully sleeping away...

Here is my latest cute picture of him just because it makes me happy to look at it!

Six. More. Weeks.

That's what we tell ourselves. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. Kind of reminds me of eternity - in the perspective of forever the hard things we walk through in life are over in the blink of an eye! 

I thank the Lord for this battle - because I fought for the honor of having it! Heck, we paid more than thirty grand over the course of years to get to deal with a horrid bout of morning sickness! So many women out there would GLADLY take my place, because the sicker I feel the more prominent of a reminder it is that I have a beautiful life growing inside of me. I got a second chance - two for two! How amazing is that? 

I'd also acknowledge that there are others who are walking through painful trials without the promise of a happy ending. 

So, my dears friends - if you see me stumbling a bit in the next weeks, (especially at work - I am kinda freaked out about figuring some kind of solution out before being trapped in a classroom with 38 freshmen), remind me of my words! Sometimes it's okay to break down and cry, and acknowledge that this SUCKS, but sometimes I will need to get some perspective and get through it! (Or just walk out and puke, right? I am sure they will handle that distraction just fine and get back to their Algebra.) LOL... 

Hugs!

(Ps - hubby when you read this can you bring me an apple and almond butter? I'm gonna go for it!) 

New things I have learned...

1. Essential oil ginger drops do NOT taste like good 'ole normal ginger. In fact, they almost MAKE me throw up when I take them to help with nausea. But they seem to work... I have found mixing with ginger ale to be tolerable.  (And yes, even if it's only mental I'll take it!!)


2. Endometrin  (progesterone suppositories) can cause vaginal spotting. This would have been extremely helpful to know in advance before I nearly had a heart-attack today discovering blood and thinking I was going to miscarry. Ugh!


3. The Supreme Club at Jersey Mikes, with extra veggies and mustard, is one of the only things I can tolerate and may end up eating on a daily basis for the next 4 - 6 weeks. (If you have any coupons, send 'em my way LOL)


4. The "Happy Go-Lucky" Jamberry nail wrap style aggravates my nausea. I only had that Jamicure on for two days before I groaned one last time and peeled them of. (I've ordered a few more subtle designs for now! Jamberry still makes me feel pretty...)


5. I discovered a Groupon for fresh-squeezed juices, or fruit & veggie smoothies, from Jamba. This shall hopefully supply a tolerable breakfast on my way to work in the next two months. (Many of the juices have ginger in them! Yay for more ginger...)


6. Surviving pregnancy IS possible, although tougher, with a little one running around. Nathan is blissfully ignorant to my suffering, and Grams is a savior! It gives me hope for when the new little one arrives... (Remind me of that in about 9 months!)


7. "Every pregnancy is different." It really is... No wonder women go flippin' crazy wondering what's going on next and what's happening to their bodies. And searching forums online only provides some insight - but we all still do it anyways.


8. Amazon prime is worth it. Plenty of non-Netfix available shows to stay entertained with while lying down exhausted in bed. Also, two day shipping for prenatal vitamins, stool softners, and lots of other fun preggo things you need!

Speaking of which - I am going to take advantage of some down bed time right now! (The Good Wife is actually good!)

Hugs!

"Green Blessings"

Note:  I am super dizzy/loopy right now. I don't know if it's the hormones, or after-effects of the Zofran (anti-nausea meds); but beware. I don't drink (like, ever!) but if I were ever tipsy I imagine that this is how I'd feel. Stephen just laughs at me... At least I made it safely back to my bed!

So if you saw the hubby's facebook post you'd already know that it's been a nasty 24 hours or so. Pregnancy symptoms have hit much harder and faster than they ever did with Nathan. I remember talking with my mom and us hoping that it wouldn't be as bad as last time - loosing 10 pounds and being useless for the first trimester. And it's not AS bad - it's worse! LOL  (Have to laugh or I'll cry.) ;0) Even though I fought the nausea, as Stephen describes it - I threw up more in one night than all the times with Nathan put together...

I'd have thought throughout last night I'd had a horrid case of the stomach flu if I hadn't been missing the flu's other wonderful symptoms. And there was no relief! An "episode" about every 30 minutes... And between like 2 and 3(of 5 or so) I called the on-call nurse service (about 1:00am) and got a hold of an angel of a gal who helped us get a prescription for Zofran called in to a 24-hour pharmacy at the CVS in the town next to ours.

On Monday I had already been placed on "Diclegis" - a different, newer drug (category A - the only one TOTALLY safe for preggos); but it's more of a systematic regimen that apparently had little effect or just hadn't had the time to integrate into my body and help regulate the nausea.

Fortunately the Zofran did the trick, and we were able to fall asleep a little before 3am. (Nathan blissfully slept through it all, thankfully. He got up with the hubby around 7 and had a good morning with Daddy as I slept in. Ha - just hit me that it's the first morning I pulled a "summetime sleep-in" until 10.)

BRAGGING PAUSE:
My husband is freaking AMAZING. When I first texted him at 10:30pm that I was super sick, he appeared from downstairs with ginger ale and teddy grahams. Of course I couldn't stomach the thought then, but it was so sweet! He then proceeded to drop whatever it was that he was working on, climb into bed with me, and setup the computer with a Netflix Deep Space 9 marathon, which he was committed to continue until I was able to fall asleep. (Little did he know...) I've a bit of a history of Emetophobia, (fear of throwing up - a real thing believe it or not!) - in fact literally went a whole decade of avoiding it, probably to my detriment those times I was super ill in my tummy, until I became a teacher and all bets were off. So I get pretty worked up and anxious. He was soooooooooooooooo wonderful and patient with me. He didn't even HESITATE to jump in the car for a 40-minute trip to get the Zofran; and even "sweet-talked" the pharmacist into rapidly filling it (jumping in front of a line of people who were already waiting). Once the miracle drug started to take effect he informed me that I was to stay in bed and sleep as long as possible in the morning. I thank God for this man!

Another blessing - my mom. She came to get Nathan after his nap for the night so that we could get some more recovery rest this afternoon. (I got a video from her of Nathan tossing a bunch of avocados in the dryer - he LOVES being at Grandpa & Grams house!)

Thankfully today was better, and I've been able to keep down some liquids and a bit of food. I am nervous about tonight and pray that we don't see a repeat... We are so grateful for the support and advice from our Facebook peeps! Our pal Jess dropped off her peppermint and ginger essential oils for me to borrow (if you are reading this you are sooooooo right about the taste of the ginger!!!). We are desperate to get this under control, especially before I report back to work next week. (Oh man - my students are in for a TREAT during the first weeks of school!) Stephen said he'd even consider acupuncture!

So if things are so bleh, why the title "green blessings"? As we keep reminding ourselves, all of these symptoms, as bad as they can get, offer a certain measure of comfort that this little kiddo is sticking around. And for that we are grateful! Last Wednesday, my second beta number was 2880! I had more than doubled in the expected timeframe. If the trend has continued, my HCG levels should be pretty much out of control about now, which would explain a LOT. (And from how I figure I'm not even 6 weeks preggo until this weekend!) All good news!

Next step:  a first ultrasound with our fertility doctor next Tuesday. This should tell us if one or both of our embies have made a go of it. After all we are experiencing, I'd say that I'd be surprised if there is only one, but not disappointed. Maybe it's just one - but a girl? Already causing drama, right? Hehehehehehehehehe.... Stephen also got me an appointment next Friday with our lovable OBGYN and I am excited to get to go see him again! 

Hopes and prayers:  That the Diclegis meds will have a chance to do their thing and get the nausea under control. I really don't want to spend the last of my days of summer, and time with Nathan, as a total mess. But we do have some Zofram, oils, B6 shot possibilities, and apparently acupuncture to try out also! :0)

Okay, I am exhausted and I should let the hubby come up to bed - he's on a lot less hours of sleep than I am right now.

I wonder what we will watch now that we finished all of the Deep Space 9 episodes....

Hugs!

Our Result - - - So Far...

... Positive!   (I won't tease you with a long drawn out narrative first.)

Blood test was scheduled for 10:30 this morning (we got there 30 minutes early!), and we were told that's we'd be called "between 3 and 5". Ack! My mom has the kiddo today, so I've been keeping distracted hanging with a bestie, online scrapbooking, going out to lunch, and watching an X-Files marathon.

When the nurse FINALLY called Stephen came running from his office (which is in our house - not across town btw). She said that we had a "very good first number"; which turned out to be 1,108. (Apparently they wanted at least 100 - so there I go overachieving again!)

Next goal:  double that number by Wednesday! I'll go in for another blood test that morning. Doubling means that the pregnancy is progressing well. (Next step would be starting weekly ultrasounds.)

So, yeah - I guess that means we are pregnant! Still hasn't completely sunk in yet, but if definitely backs up how I have been feeling lately - AWFUL. Exhausted, achy, crampy, ditzy, no appetite except really hungry at the same time... etc.

Here's to 9 months of feeling cruddy!!!!!!

Hugs!