I'm totally okay, I promise! I think...

Over the past couple months peeps have approached me, or asked me in the midst of conversation, about how I feel about leaving the classroom for full-time mommyhood.

"Do you miss it?" They want to know... And I would swiftly come back with "Nope!". The past couple months have found me completely grateful to be able to be home with Nathan and Zach. I've been feeling totally at peace with not dealing with the stress and drama of the job. Add to it the fact that only two or three students even came up to me and said "thank you" or expressed sadness that I was leaving (and unexpectedly sooner than planned); so I'd say there wasn't a lot of love lost in that department either. And, honestly, that's kind of sad. After all, I'd devoted a good chunk of my life to that job and EHS for eight years along with a large portion of my heart and soul.

It is time for me to move on, and this has been the right decision.

Still...

My leaving for maternity leave early to go on modified bedrest was like an unexpected not-so-great breakup. I had planned to have another four or five weeks to come to terms with the end of the "relationship" and get my affairs in order. The way I ended it, with only a one-day notice, left me without any good closure. Eight years (and a half if you count student teaching, which I do!) is no small amount of time to spend investing your time, energy, blood, sweat, and (a TON) of tears...

Two days ago I was sitting in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-a scrolling Facebook and came across an awesome post from a fellow teacher friend of mine whose senior students had been caught trying to pull a spectacular prank on her. My first reaction was to laugh, of course - 'cause it was quite awesome indeed. But then a felt a twinge of bitterness creep over my mood.

Bitterness?

 It kind of surprised me, and had nothing to do with my friend and her students. In fact, I absolutely LOVE how many freakishly AMAZING teachers I know who make the kind of impact that inspires goofy uperclassmen to do silly things. (Like the senior calculus class who stole the class mascot, Stan the Can, and shipped him all over the country to their different schools. They put together a scrapbook of his adventures and presented it to their teacher at the end of the first semester at a special dinner they held in her honor. That is pretty much the bomb.) Those are the kind of stories that the people in this country need to hear.

As I probed my heart, I realized that I was envious of this post. Teaching freshmen for the entirety of my tenure doesn't allow for a lot of love around graduation time. The students who claimed to love me and my class usually forgot who I was when I strolled into their junior year math class to harass their current teacher. I'm not showered with gifts at Christmas, or thank yous during Teacher Appreciation week. Freshmen can barely see past the end of their nose, let alone into a future where they realize with monumentuous appreciation how learning to think algebraically is actually important. (It's not all about memorizing formulas people! LOL)

The Facebook post was a catalyst to all sorts of lies that began to creep into my mind...

Did it really matter that I was leaving?
Did I do enough while I was there? Did I really make a big enough impact?

Yes, I call them out as lies because that's what they are. I don't need to seek validation because I have a drawer full of letters that prove otherwise. For seven years I required one last assignment of my students: to write a letter to the next year's freshmen about what they need to know for high school, Algebra, and Mrs. Winters' class. Every year I am pleasantly surprised to tears to read letters from students who indirectly or directly describe the positive influence that my teaching has had on them.

Wait - every year I was surprised. Whoa.

Someone recently asked me what I did for a living. "I'm a high school math teacher. Well, I guess I was I high school math teacher," I stumbled. "I mean, technically I'm still on paid status but I've been out..." (I think they lost interest before I figured out what I was saying.)

Oh. My. Gosh.  Who am I?

I know I'm the newly-minted SAHM  (cool lingo acronym for "Stay at Home Mom") with the purple hair, right? If that move didn't cry out that I'm breaking free and trying new things then I don't know what would... Hehehehehehehe...

(I still totally LOVE my new hair by the way.)

I've been trying new things on the menus at restaurants too! Which wouldn't seem like a big deal but I think I literally ordered the same exact meal at Rubios for almost a decade. (Two taco combo plate with one regular fish taco and one chicken in case you were curious.) And don't even get me started on my Pinterest projects - you've already seen my "busy box" post I am sure.

I was driving home one day and a cool lesson idea popped into my head and I immediately thought, "Ooooh, I've got to try that!". Then I realized that, no, I couldn't try that because I am not going to be teaching anymore. And then my electrician brother sent me a text a few days ago about how excited he was because he figured out an equation that he could program into his calculator for his business; and I was on the verge of devastation that future freshmen Algebra students wouldn't get the fabulous opportunity to see that y = mx+b IS applicable to real life!  (Of course they probably wouldn't have anyway since all our new curriculum has been chosen for us... Oops, that was snarky of me!)

My dear friend reminded me today that I will now get to teach my own kids. I looked at her in exasperation, "But I'm a high school Algebra teacher! I think that's a little over Nathan's head!" (If some how you are reading this and don't know me, he will be two next month.) I chose high school over elementary school for a reason, and that level of math is what I am passionate about. (Was passionate about? Wait, I can still BE right?)

It's been a strange, and illuminating path of exploration in pouring my creative juices into the toddler world. I guess that's a part of who I am now.

These past couple of days have been rough emotionally; and I'm learning a LOT about myself I'd never realized before. There are a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects that I need to recognize as I step away from a professional career that I was actually quite good at. (For example, I'd finally gotten good at setting healthy boundaries at work - but I'm suddenly floundering in figuring out what those should be and how to put them in place at home. That's probably worth a whole blog post in itself!)

I'm scared that I won't have anything "interesting" to contribute in conversation with my husband. (Really, the way that I used my Bed Bath and Beyond coupon to purchase the k-cups I'd been eyeing at a lower price than Target isn't exactly newsworthy in most people's eyes.) But I know that this fear is most likely rooted in some insecurities about finding new significance in my job as a full-time homemaker.

Well, I've digressed, and digressed. That one Facebook post opened a full-on FLOOD of thoughts and emotions. It's obvious I've got a bunch of stuff on my heart and mind and could probably write forever tonight; but then what next amazing post would there be to look forward to? Guess that's what this blog is turning in to - morphing from our journey through infertility to my personal journal about figuring out how to transition to this new chapter of life. The Good Lord is definitely at work, that's for sure! I also will be returning to work next week for final exams so that I can pack up my classroom and say "hey" to my peeps one more time. (Why haven't I every bought waterproof mascara?! Apparently I may need it...)

Time to wrap it up for tonight - the boys are asleep (still can't believe there are TWO of them now!) and the hubby is on his way home. I've got to go Google something interesting to tell him.

My teeth break apart and fall out...

My teeth break apart and fall out...

...in one of my recurring dreams. Seriously - it's one of two types of dreams that I've consistently had throughout my life. (The other being driving a car and not being able to control it. Usually speeding around some curve and toppling off the edge of a cliff or something with no brakes.) When I wake up from this dream, with a sigh of relief after a quick mouth check, I know that I am subconsciously stressed and feel like my life is out of control.

I have not actually had this dream this week; however I mentioned it to my dentist this morning as we discussed the two broken/cracked teeth that led her to determine I would now need to have a custom-fitted mouth guard. Ugh...  as an awkward-adolescent-braces survivor whose two years of "metal mouth" included headgear and were followed by a retainer (purple with confetti colored), I am no stranger to mouth contraptions. Ditching my retainer in college was a load off my shoulders after the stress of making sure to wear it every day and not throw it away (again) in the trashcan at Taco Bell.

Apparently I have been grinding my teeth. My dentist asked me if I had ever had that problem before. "No," I replied, and then quickly added "But I've also never had two under two."

Two under two... I will only officially hold this title for about another month. Nathan will turn two on June 27. However, I doubt that this magic day will not change the new normal of our lives.

On Sunday my phone was out of its case for a rare time that coincided with the car being emptied of all the cra-- er, stuff, that accumulated in a single outing to Costco and the street fair. It somehow jumped out of the front seat and proceeded to shatter on the floor of the garage. When I was in college I accidentally dropped my flip phone from the balcony of the second story of a building at church and it was perfectly fine Phones these days... Arg! Silly, expensive thing couldn't handle a two foot drop.

On the bright side, I got a good excuse to ditch my android and run back to the iphone. (It was so good to hear Siri's voice. I will never leave her again!) My new case is shipping from Amazon, so until then my phone is in the slightly-too-big recent case reinforced in a piece of bubble wrap. No joke - can't take any chances!

Today Nathan took a short nap and woke up whining and/or loosing it at everything. Mama couldn't do a darn thing right! Then Zach decided to get pissy. So I decided that we needed to get out of the house and got us loaded into the car and off to the farmer's market. This went okay; and luckily Daddy arrived in time to pick up and take Nathan just as he was loosing it again.

I thought I would have a nice little break stollin' around with a sleeping Zach while my cousin and I enjoyed a nice chat and looked over organic produce. I remembered just then that it was time for the little dude's bottle. When I ran to the car to grab it I discovered that this awesome Mom left her perfectly-packed diaper bag sitting on the kitchen table! Here I was, rapidly approaching the hungry-infant danger zone with no way to feed him. (Point breastfeeders.) I called Stephen in a panic and he headed to raid my mom's house where we had extra kid supplies.

As predicted, Zach awoke and slowly built into a screaming hungry fit. I don't know exactly how traffic lights are controlled but today I pictured some evil little dude hanging out in a room full of monitors watching for the most-stressed drivers he could find to manipulate the red lights against their favor. He must have giggled in glee over seeing the stressed-out mama in the CX9. Shouldn't main streets have fewer red light stops to keep traffic flowing?! I mean, come on!

I attempted to pacify myself by thinking logically. Zach will not remember the time Mama forgot the bottle at home and made him wait to eat as she drove across town, right? The pitiful cries tore at my heart, but I knew that he would be fed and happy and well taken care of, and grow up in a loving home where he would always be provided for. There was nothing I could do at the moment, except get to the restaurant (where we were meeting some peeps for dinner) safely in one piece. I do believe, though, that parents are hard-wired physiologically to stress when their babies cry... (Otherwise we might be tempted to ignore it and go back to sleep.)

Zach was calm in my arms by the time I got him out and walked to the table where our pals were sipping margaritas. (If I drank alcohol I'd totally be downing a big glass of wine as I typed this.) Of course, this almost made me feel worse - as though he'd just gotten so hungry and exhausted from crying that he'd given up on me. Stephen eventually showed, with Nathan and a bag of diapers in tow.

 He took the baby and I pulled Nathan on to my lap so that I could get him some (late!) dinner. When he refused a chip and leaned against my chest I stopped to feel his forehead. Yep - hot. Poor little guy (who hadn't had much of an appetite and been whining and emotional all afternoon... Sheesh mom, take a hint!) had a whopper of a fever. I spent 20 minutes or so flagging down an overwhelmed teenager waiter and shoveling a couple tacos down, while my oldest little man sat complacently in my lap cuddled against me. I ended up leaving to get him home and put to bed.

You know, I'd actually wondered sometime over the past couple of days about how I'd react when, inevitably, one of my kids would get the stomach flu. I've always had a sensitive gag reflex and can't handle non-blood bodily fluids. When someone in my vicinity hurls it's fairly certain that I shall also.

Well, I found out tonight that mommy-mode certainly does kick in! It's like a latent super power or something, I think. One minute I was upstairs searching for the missing piece of the boogie sucker, and then I'm startled by Stephen frantically shouting for me to get down there. I hesitated for only a second when I beheld the frozen toddler who had experienced his first puking episode, (which would totally freak me out too if I'd never gone through that before). But when his little face got scared and he started to cry I immediately charged across the room and swooped him into my arms. I was able to distract myself from the mess that was surely getting on my clothes by talking to him and comforting him on the way to the bathtub.

"I love my life".  This is the phrase that Stephen will repeat to himself when days just get overwhelmed with the tough stuff, or just with one thing after another. I am certain that as I was upstairs bathing the puker he was muttering it while attacking the armchair Nathan had been residing in with paper towels and disinfectant. These words are not meant to be totally sarcastic. More of a reminder that the tough stuff happens because we have been totally blessed to be parents. The craziness is a necessary part of what we signed on for - and our lives are more wonderful than we even imagined they could be. When I hear him say this I know that, yes, he is stressed out; but he's got a good perspective and we are going to make it through the day.

Well, the puke clothes (mine included) are in the wash, the chair has been scrubbed, and both boys are sleeping soundly. I am at peace knowing that whether or not the worst is over, Nathan was thankfully back to his normal self once he'd gotten some new jammies on and munched on a small bowl of Pirate's booty. Daddy was thrilled when he asked him "Guess what?" and he proudly responded "Monkey butt". (Oh yes, Daddy humor. He's been working on that with him for days now.)

Time to be done with today, snuggle in bed, and find something good to watch (or more likely fall asleep to quickly) on Netflix. I've been reminded now how important it is to pay attention to my mental health and focus on de-stressing actions/techniques. Lavendar bubble bath when I find the time, lighting the Stress-relief candle scented with eucalyptus and mint, controlled breathing exercises, prayer ('cause that's how I roll), and focusing on the "big" stuff that's really important.

I've learned that it's also vital that we moms stay connected with each other! We are not alone, and there really is "nothing new under the sun". How good it was to my heart to be at a table with a few girlfriends (and most of their kiddos) tonight. They bore witness to the craziness, laughed at it with me, and supported us the best they could. (Who knew the simple act of grabbing a tortilla and some beans and wrapping it up for a starving mama could have such a therapeutic effect?) As I lie down to sleep, hopefully without further incident through the night, I am comforted knowing that I can turn to the Lord for strength when I am running on empty; and that I am surrounded by beautiful and courageous women who are in the craziness too.


Apparently, I now grind my teeth. Guess I have a little stress in my life? LOL...

When Mother's Day Sucks

I am sure the title of this post caught many peoples' attention... Not a very uplifting, right? Let's face it - Mother's Day (and Father's Day for that matter) can be a very bittersweet day.

As I sit here and type this my heart is so incredibly full and grateful for the joy that I get to have on this special day surrounded by the chaos of two beautiful little boys and my wonderful partner-in-life husband. Zach, who is 6 weeks old today, is nestled up beside me looking cute as can be and deciding if he is going to be a cranky little pill who is ready for his pre-bedtime bottle. (At the moment I've got him pacified but he won't be fooled for long!)

My heart is also burdened.
For three dear girlfriends who are all in the waiting process of getting a phone call telling them that they have been chosen by a birth mom.
For the old friend of mine who unexpectedly lost her 15 month old son recently.
For the wife of a family friend who passed away last year, whose college-aged son now died tragically a couple weeks ago.
For the new friends I've met recently who are working through different stages of infertility.
For the friends and family members who are facing the first and second Mother's day without the precious women who have held that honored place in their lives.
The several beautiful women battling various stages of cancer so that they can continue to be there for their kids...

I spent some time last night praying for a couple of the aforementioned women specifically for whom my heart was breaking for as I realized the implications of what this day would be for them. Praying... because what else could I do? There are times when no spoken words, or Hallmark cards, will suffice to ease the pain. In all honesty, I simply prayed that the day would pass quickly for them, and that the Lord would bring them some amount of peace and strength to make it through.

I'm not even going to pretend that I have some all-satisfying answer to the question of why could God (if He does exist) allow for such pain and tragedy in life. If you are truly seeking an answer there are far more qualified people out there who could talk you through it. I've walked through pain of my own, and have only come through on the other side more thoroughly convinced of His active presence in my life. (Perhaps some stories for later.) It hasn't stopped me from asking "Why?"; or from curling up on my floor sobbing my heart out (or doing that in Starbucks for that matter - true story!).

**SIDE NOTE: had to pause for a while due to a no-longer-pacified infant deciding that he wouldn't wait any longer for his bottle, and who then preceded to have an explosive poop in the middle. But today of all days especially when I felt the frustration mount I stopped and instead decided I was GRATEFUL for such interruptions! And he is pretty cute...**

Even so I would not say that I have faced true tragedy. The kind of horrid event that rocks your world...  I had a moment of realization tonight that this day and this moment in time is a perfect gift to be treasured; for I have no idea what the future could hold. It makes this Mother's day all the more precious to me.

Now, it's not fair to focus on all of the pain and "bad stuff" that "God allows to happen" without recognizing all of the good and miracles that abound as well:
The few women who I know are celebrating their first Mother's day with their little babies, after having suffered loss in miscarriages.
Our friends who have found victory over infertility through IUI or IVF who have their precious little ones to celebrate with today.
The amazing couples we know who have walked through adoptions and the beautiful kiddos who have become their own.
My own two miracles Nathan and Zach - for whom I spent countless nights praying for, and wondering when my aching arms would finally be full.
The fact that I've gotten a whole 31 Mother's Days with my mom! (And how about most of the people I know got to have their moms in their lives today?)

There are so many precious women for whom the joy in my heart is overflowing - and for whom all of the goodness of this day is realized and treasured. I've loved seeing the myriad of Facebook posts from my friends who are celebrating their moms, and/or getting spoiled by their own children. It's so refreshing and freeing to even go ON Facebook today - because there was a time in my life when my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. I got to go to church this weekend and not be afraid that I would run out; and although I did still cry a little the tears were the emotional overflowing mix of tapping into old painful memories, but mostly of the "wonderfulness" of knowing that I was indeed a Mama now.

Yep, Mother's Day is bittersweet. If you happen to be reading this and know that you are one of the women I mentioned for whom my heart is burdened - know that you are not forgotten! Your are loved, thought about, cared for, and prayed over.

As I was heading upstairs tonight, I had to snap a picture of the front room of our house:

This is the result of a sugared-up almost 2 year old and a mama who decided to have some fun. (Daddy and a neighbor friend joined in too.) I am sure that there will be some frustration involved with the cleanup as I attempt to get Nathan to help me tomorrow, but for today it's the kind of mess that I treasure!

Life is so freakin' precious.

Because this is what I do now...

Wow - it's hard to believe it's been 12 whole weeks since my feet last stepped in to room 403 at good 'ole EHS. That life seems like forever ago, and not even a part of who I am right now. Even though juggling the challenges of postpartum recovery with a newborn and toddler has been stressful and emotional, I am still quite content and grateful to be focused on my new full-time role at home.

SIDE NOTE:
Okay - so many of you may need to remind me of that last sentence in the coming months (or days)! If I had taken note of the number of reasons/times my almost-two year old freaked out and cried yesterday alone there'd be "more than a hundred things!" as my husband stated that evening. It was definitely just "one of those days"; and it culminated in a good soak in my tub with my lavender bubbles and a small helping of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter Ice Cream thoughtfully delivered by my husband. (Yes, it does exist!)  I found peace though thinking about how someday these emotional toddler outbursts will be over as he grows up (tear); and when he is a teenage boy I am sure that the hubby and I will LONG FOR the simplicity of them LOL.

BACK TO WHERE I WAS:
I had been wondering if I would struggle with leaving my professionally creative outlet as an Algebra teacher. Believe it or not, yes - MATH class can be incredibly engaging when you have Mrs. Winters. (Snow ball fight anyone?) My teacher peeps can attest to the euphoria of sudden inspiration in lesson design, and then seeing it come to life as your students are simutaneously actually paying attention and learning. THAT is what I will miss. (Curriculum overhalls, high stakes testing, lack of appreciation, district politics... not so much.)

What's left of the energy formally reserved for teaching at the high school is now being funneled into organizing our life and home. I've sketched out a daily routine that I am slowly implementing to give us (mainly Nathan and myself) some stability and consistency. One of the most vital parts is figuring out how to help him engage in some independent time. Enter Pinterest - and the plethora of pins for "busy boxes" and "busy bags". So many great ideas to keep him occupied, and work on his brain (like fine motor skills) at the same time!

I am sticking to the really simple (hey, I think I can actually make that. I can cut out something with scissors!) ideas. I've also hit up Dollar Tree, Marshalls, Amazon (yay for Prime shipping!), and the dollar bins at Target. Once I got started, the creative juices have been flowing and I am actually having to hold myself back. My elementary teacher pals would be so freakin' proud of me... It's been kinda "weird" thinking in a foreign dimension of little people/brains but I am getting the hang of it.

Here is what I have so far:

Now before you start thinking I am too awesome (yes, I know! Hehehe... sigh) let me knock my own self down a few pegs by admitting that Nathan doesn't really grasp the whole "independent play" concept so well; especially when mommy is right there in the kitchen. He also has about a 5-minute attention span. So while I think some of the stuff in those boxes is really fun and interesting I've almost been offended when he laces one hole around a turtle, then proceeds to swing it around his head and fling it across the room before moving on to asking me for "bee". (He has been really in to the Maya the Bee show lately.)

While he intuitively placed little objects in the ice cube tray, he didn't comprehend the dozen uses I intended for the mini shot glasses. But I am slowly showing him the possibilities! If I can average 5 minutes per an activity then that means I need, let's see... sixty divided by five... **pulling out phone calculator app** 12 per box! Oy... Not quite there yet. (Hey, my math teacher persona is a little out of practice okay?) It's already taken me at least two weeks to get some semblance of these boxes put together and ready though so it's time I moved on with the next project on my list, or at least parts of the next three or so.

These matching puzzles (Marshalls) have been one of the best activities.

Those are foam pieces that he is threading on a straw. Hoping he gets more "into" it as time passes.

See - in theory, and by the looks of these pictures, savvy moms should be able to enjoy endless amounts of free time for themselves, right? (Or at least chug their coffee and brush their teeth.) LOL. *sigh*  I will let you know how my efforts progress and hopefully pay off. ;0) If anything it is an absolute THRILL teaching my own kid now and getting to see him learn. Just wait until we get to do fractions...