"Mommys da boss" - a blog from the daddy

So I guess it is time for me to chime in.  Jen has wanted me to contribute
to the blog for a long time and I told her I wouldn't until I thought I had
something to say.  Not sure where I will go with this and I'm always long
winded so you are warned! :)


To start, a shout out to my parents.  You are amazing.  9 kids.  Wow.
Amazing.  5 kids 5 and under to start, in a foreign country (they were
missionaries to Japan).  I am bone tired all the time and I have but two
kids under two.  The thought of 5 under 5 blows my mind.  I mean, I know I
was probably the easiest baby in the world (5th child), but still....


And props to my sister Lisa.  4 kids 6 and under last year.  Amazing.  I'd
already think you guys were the parents of the year and then you get the
difficult medical news you are dealing with.  I am awestruck at how you keep
any semblance of sanity, even if you don't think you do.


Okay...so where to go with this blog.  I think maybe a discussion of what I
am learning as a very involved parent who has to try to learn to step back a
bit and let mama be mama.  I've been working on this for some time, and let
me tell you, as a control freak, it is not easy.  Seriously.


I think perhaps if we had started out "normally," maybe it would be easier.
But...we did not.  In the first two months of child rearing (Nathan, turning
2 on June 27th) we were in the hospital 4 times.  First Nathan gave us the
scare of our lives when an infection around his eye at 8 days old led us to
5.5 days at Children's Hospital where a spinal tap, lots of drugs and what
seemed like a million doctors later (teaching hospital) it turned out to be
just a staph infection that was easily treated.  Phew!....


Then Jen decided to have an emergency appendectomy.  She had a tube coming
out of her belly for 2 weeks after to drain the fluid from her peritoneum.
Fun stuff.


The tube hadn't even been removed and we were back at the hospital for
"mastitis on crack" I called it.  And not so long after that it happened
again and we were back at the hospital.


All in all I think we counted 22 days overnight in hospitals (~26 days).  I
spent every one of those with Jen in the hospital (thank goodness for family
helping with Nathan's care!).  During the days I would balance my time
between Jen in the hospital and taking stints with Nathan.  When we were at
home, Jen was still recovering so I had day and night duties.  All while
working from home (thank goodness for a light renewals list in the
summertime - must have been a God thing) and working on sleep training the
munchkin.


It was a long 2 months and yet I felt insanely bonded to my son in a way
that really surprised me.  For months before Nathan was born, guy friends
had been telling me to not be surprised if I didn't like being a dad at
first and if I didn't any bond - I t would come later when they started
interacting more and just get thru it.


So the bond surprised me.  And given the "Mister Mom" start to child rearing
and my control freak personality, well let's just say it wasn't so easy to
step back.  In some respects I don't know if I ever did.  In other respects
I know I made a conscience effort in some areas, whether it took or not.


I'm married to an amazing woman and an amazing mother.  Granted our life has
not always looked the way we thought it would - infertility was definitely
not something we ever contemplated.  Heck, I came from a family with NINE
KIDS so I definitely didn't think it would be hard!


A buttload of money (IVF - see all of Jen's blogs) and 2 BOYS later, even
knowing the heartache of the journey, I would do it all over again.    And
again.  And again.  The boys are that awesome.


I capitalized boys because everyone who has ever known me knows I've always
dreamed of having a little girl.  I have this notion of borrowing a shotgun
from someone and be "cleaning it" when my daughter's first boyfriend comes
over to meet us.  You know - the "fear of God" and all that, but be
otherwise super nice.  Haha, well not sure if that will ever happen now,
only time will tell, but I can say that my boys are amazing and I really
can't imagine life without them.


Nathan:  what an awesome little guy!  The sheer potential of this kid is
astounding to me.  Seriously, he is freaking brilliant (and also has his
"dumb" moments lol - like when he literally ran full speed into Zach's pack
n play a few days ago - funny and sad all at the same time).  I guess I
don't really know what's normal for his age and I think I don't want to know
as I would rather just keep thinking of him as brilliant lol.  Every time we
watch "Super Why" together he continually surprises me with his grasp of
letters and numbers.  His language skills, which were lagging a bit, seem to
be coming along now faster and faster as he learns to sound out words.  He
literally repeats everything mommy and daddy says all day long so I guess he
is getting lots of practice (and we are learning we sure better be careful
what we say!).  My favorite example was a few weeks ago when I said "So
sexy!" for something (can't remember what) and Nathan repeated it in a way
that had Jen and I in stiches for quite awhile.  Good times....


And yet, as great as all that is, his joyous spirit is what is so endearing
about him.  No matter what gets him down, he doesn't stay unhappy long and
there is a smile on his face again.  He wakes up every day and every nap
time with a smile on his face and itching to get out into the world again
(literally, he LOVES THE OUTSIDE which is often at the heart of many a
meltdown if he is being denied going outside for whatever reason).  And the
way he cares for Zach is so wonderful to see.  Frankly it surprised us
though I don't know why as he was always trying to make other kids smile who
were crying or sad (or even adults!) even months ago. We thought he wouldn't
be all that interested in Zach for awhile but he's loved him from day one.
If Zach starts crying we hear "Zachy crying" in a sad little voice and he
goes over to wherever Zach I and wants to help.  It is so, so sweet to see.


In the last 3 months we have really seen an independent streak come out in
Nathan.  He seems kind of OCD (both parents) and dogmatic (daddy) at times
and has trouble expressing frustration (hits stuff, including mommy and
daddy sometimes).  So Jen and I have really had to think thru how we channel
our frustration in those moments (maybe I'll get to that later in this blog?
Definitely an entire blog worth of discussion on this subject) and what
methods of parenting we use and try to develop consistencies etc.  Even as I
write this I think I know where we are currently on this but not exactly
positive - it's definitely been one thread of our journey we are on all on
its own.


So I (we?) are fiercely aware that Nathan has insane potential and I very
much don't want to screw that up :)  He is so gifted and already learning to
love Jesus (see the video of singing "Jesus loves me" to his monkey), I want
so much to channel him in the right direction for this precious gift God has
loaned to us while we are on this earth.


Zach:  it has been so very fun to watch his personality develop.  At 9 weeks
of age he is a child with a sweet spirit and a developing ready smile for
those who are willing to give him some attention.  I think I called it right
on this kid before he was born that he would give Nathan a run for his money
in terms of personality, size, etc.  9 weeks is too early to know anything
long term, but he definitely seems to be a go getter as he has plowed thru
the various steps to this point.  Honestly, I don't really feel like we have
pushed him past anything he wasn't ready for (just "reading the tea leaves")
and yet we find him where he is today - 4 days into "arms out" swaddle and
going really well.  I can't remember exactly but I am pretty sure we didn't
attempt that with Nathan until ~4 months or so.


It's not lost on me that he is baby number 2 and significantly benefiting
from parents who have done this once before and also are both around (as
opposed to being in and out of hospitals).  I can't wait to see how this kid
is going to turn out.  Well...actually I CAN wait in that I know that these
next few months are "the good months" where Zach will be more and more
interactive but not yet mobile :)  So I guess right now in the midst of life
that we often call crazy (but I feel guilty saying that knowing what others
are going thru right now with parenting in much crazier situations), I want
to be sure to enjoy the journey (I'll come back to this).


Side note triggered by Zach thoughts, I've actually been thinking some
lately about the Nature vs. Nurture debates that have been raging for
centuries and I must admit that being a parent makes me have a new
appreciation for those arguments.  I don't think I have any conclusions
other than to say that I think there is something to be said for
consistency.


So this blog thing kind of cracks me up.  In a writing class I would have
failed this assignment as I've digressed and digressed.  But with blogging
it's all okay!  Haha.  For those of you who have actually read this far -
props!  I got more to say lol


So coming back to what has been on my mind a lot of late is the topic of
learning to give up control.  I've never really been that great at it.  As a
Christian I am to give up control to the One who lives inside of me.  This
is a very difficult thing to do and something I will likely be working at my
whole life in various forms.


Of late it has been mostly about learning how to "let mommy be mommy."  We
officially made the decision at Christmas time last year to have Jen stop
working for an undetermined (forever I'm sure she would like to say :) )
period of time so that she can focus on what her heart was calling her to
focus on, being a mama to our growing family.  With the cost of childcare
and her working 60% of a full-time teacher's salary as it was, you might
think it would not be much of a hit.  Unfortunately we are also on her
health benefits which are beyond amazing (without the health insurance she
has the hospital stays 2 years ago would have bankrupted us).  I don't think
I ever had enough appreciation for those benefits until I started
researching health care.  Yikes!  So in a few months we'll have to start
buying medical coverage again etc. and at the end of June we officially lose
Jen's paycheck each month.


God will provide.  I (we as in it was a joint decision, but I as respects
this sentence) did not enter into the decision lightly but felt a very clear
conviction that it was the right decision to make at the time even if the
numbers didn't necessarily match up completely.  Honestly in the world of
commission income, it can be difficult to budget anyway.  I am an aviation
insurance broker - it's awesome to go to work every day LOVING what you do
for a living and I am one of those lucky people who get to say that!  I feel
very blessed in that regard.


Innately a part of every control freak (or at least THIS control freak) is
this notion that "I know best" and "my way is the best way" and "my way is
the ONLY way", etc.  These notions rear their ugly heads all too often.  I
am quite amazed Jen puts up with me sometimes when these tendencies come
out.  She's probably reading this saying "I don't know either!"  haha.
Well...she does somehow...


I think there may be no more catalyst (and frustrating?) opportunities for
facing our tendencies, character flaws, issues, or whatever else you want to
call them, then with parenting.  Children will expose your every flaw and
make you face your issues whether you are ready for it or not.  Children
have no filter and will say the honest truth, every time.  And Nathan is
getting old enough now where that will happen more and more.


Parenting is the MOST rewarding thing I have ever done.  Even in the most
selfish, angering, frustrating, etc. there is still a part of me somewhere
that FEELS that fiercely and wills me thru those moments.


Digressing again...Grrr....back to giving up control.


When Nathan is having a melt down moment one of the ways that I have been
diffusing that with him for months is to ask "who da boss?"  And Nathan
answers "mommys da boss."  He used to also say after "daddys da boss" to
which I would add, "Nathan's NOT da boss." And generally the meltdown moment
where something had to be his way was diffused.


Lately though he has been adding instead "daddy's not da boss."  I think
perhaps he may just be trying to remember what I was saying before and keep
it going.  I started to correct him recently and then thought that maybe I
should just let him say that and it would be a reminder to me that I needed
to continue to work on being open minded and a partner.


We were blessed in having months to know that Jen was going to stop working
before it actually happened (although in our case with Jen's health scare at
32 weeks pregnant it happened sooner than we thought with her having to be
on modified best rest at home for the last 9 weeks of pregnancy).  With
that, I've had time to try to wrap my brain around my existence looking more
like a "normal" one income family where one parent went to work and the
other was with the kids at home.


Honestly that has been hard to imagine.  I worked from home until a job
change in August of 2014 so for the first 15 months of Nathan's life I was
around 24/7 for the most part and Jen was really the one leaving to go to
work (3 days a week).  Then in August we put him in daycare (an epic journey
in itself that we were not necessarily ready for - Nathan spent November to
March being sick all but 10 days and we finally had to pull him out of
daycare a week before Zach came) and I got a glimpse of it but Jen was still
going to work.


So I have yet to see what it will really be like - glimpses here and there
as Jen finishes her last week of work this week and finally recovered from
her C-Section.  I think it will be WAY easier to go to the office everyday
then try to work from home (Nathan has a very hard time understanding why
daddy is in his office) and there are parts of it that I really like.  I
love the idea of providing for my family and finally having the opportunity
to put 100% energy into that and seeing where it goes.  I work at the
coolest place - an office at an airport!  It's a lot of fun to go to work
every day and, again, I feel very, very blessed.


I don't love the idea of missing all the little every day moments.  There
are so many of them each and every day.  I've been there for so many over
the last 2 years, made possible by being "Mister Mom" for much of that time.
But...it's time to officially pass the torch and, embrace as Nathan puts it
"mommys da boss."


That doesn't mean I am ducking out.  Ha, as if I could.  No, it will be a
DAILY battle for me to shut my mouth and listen more - you know, the whole 2
ears, 1 mouth for a reason concept.  I pray for the guidance to know when I
am being helpful and when I need to shut my mouth.  Truth be told we have
been preparing for this for a long time and already practicing it in various
areas with success (communication with care takers of our children and
empowering Jen to make decisions on the fly without my input).  So...we CAN
do this.  We WILL do this.  And I will learn my "new" role too and where I
fit into the big picture of parenting and what that looks like.


And I guess the thought I'd like to end this blog with for now is "learning
to enjoy the journey."  This has been on my mind for many months and
something I have been trying very hard to do.  It has really helped me in
the harder moments, and the wonderful ones too.  It has helped me try to
find the upside in various situations - not always successfully, but
nevertheless helpful.  Zach may be the last go around on the kid front
(though we are super open to adopting someday or who knows what miracles
might happen naturally) and I want to enjoy each and every stage to the
extent possible.


So there you go, a blog from the daddy for whatever it is worth :)
Blessings to you all and thank you for the prayers.

To The Poor Mom in the Parking Lot...

To the poor mom in the parking lot of the mall restaurant, who brought me face to face with one of our "worst fears":

I believe that God left that solitary parking space just for me, so that our paths would cross. I was just on the verge of some serious irritation, nearing the end of the second seemingly endless row and wondering how far away I'd have to park. My heart then skipped a beat as I glanced and saw that gloriously empty spot!

My fellow teacher friend, "T", and I had wrapped up the first day of final exams at our high school. We'd planned this lunch in advance, and were suffering from low blood sugar after staying around way later than we had wanted to trying to scan student answer sheets. (Well, it would have been sooner if we hadn't been so eager to get ready for summer that we had accidently already packed away the scanner in a secure, taped up box.)

Again, I believe that Someone had a different timetable than us; and for a good reason.

When I parked and saw you standing in front of the car next to me, balancing a baby boy on your hip while you held a phone to your ear, I immediately felt drawn to speak to you. Perhaps it was my Momdar zoning in on a fellow mama in distress? I was incredibly awkward and didn't know what to say, but I heard your "I guess we'll just have to wait for Daddy," with a measure of exasperation in your tone. Figuring it was my "in" I said lamely "Man, I hate it when Daddy is not around" (or late, or something like that).

It was like you just needed to tell someone what was going on, and I guess I seemed safe and I was there. You quickly told me that actually your little girl was in your car, firmly buckled in her car seat, with your keys in the ignition and the doors locked! (I don't remember the logistics of how it happened - but honestly those details aren't important.) I realized that the car you were standing in front of, next to mine, wasn't even yours. (Turns out you were torn between trying to help your daughter and keeping your baby out of the sun.) Your car was a few down the row - a dark minivan.

The car was on, and the air conditioner was running.

The sole fact that the car would remain nice and cool for the duration of this ordeal had kept you from calling 911. I don't know how long it had been since you had the shocking realization of what had happened, but I daresay that no matter how panicked and stressed you felt you handled yourself with more grace than I probably would have.

As I stood by your van, every fiber of my being wanted to be your hero.

I could see your little girl,crying in her sweet ballet outfit, (which you informed me was where you were currently supposed to be), and all I wanted in the world was to get the doors opened. If the car had been off, and heat was a danger, I would have grabbed the misplaced Corolla rim from the trunk of my car and used it as leverage to force open that darn back window that was "safely" propped a couple inches wide. Or, I would have held your baby for you as you used your sheer superhuman mom power to do it yourself. (Lord knows we'd move heaven and earth if our kid was in danger!)

You should know that my defense mechanism is humor - which is why I tried to help you laugh. I promised you that some day this was going to be an awesome story at your daughter's wedding or high school graduation. T walked up and we started talking to you about all the stupid stuff our kids have survived... The kinds of things you are horrified about; like driving to the grocery store and realizing as you go to lift the infant car seat out that you never buckled the straps. (The things that we breathe a prayer of gratefulness for living through, and learn valuable lessons in return.)

Isn't it ironic that you were stuck because of trying to keep your children safe?

I tried to talk your daughter through unbuckling her seat - but her two little thumbs were to weak to push the red button.
   "Well, there's a reason why we DON'T teach our kids how to get out of there carseats!", I admitted knowingly to you.
(Any mom who has glanced in the rear view mirror in time to see there child's butt disappearing over or under the seat is nodding. Yep.)

I asked if she could reach the door, where the lock was, but her arms were appropriately too short.
   "That's why we put her in the middle seat - it's safer," you stated with a shake of your head.

You. Are. A. Good. Mom.

I hope that's what I said to you, because it's what I wanted to convey. This situation could happen to any of us - and to many of us it has. T even told how she just encountered the SAME situation in a grocery store parking lot over the weekend. It probably didn't make you feel better right then, but we wanted you to not beat yourself up.

As awful as the situation seemed, and it was, your daughter was upset but she was SAFE. And your baby boy, who you were grateful wasn't trapped in there as well, was happy and smiling at us. And if they hadn't been safe - none of us would have been standing around helplessly, wracking our brains for a solution. All three of us would be attacking that minivan mercilessly. (As solid as those things are, I can promise that they are no match for a group of mamas banded together for the sole purpose of rescuing a child.)

I hope that your husband didn't give you too much grief. I saw the relief flood over your face when he called you back, and had been able to leave work and bring his keys. It was only when you said that he was just a few minutes away and insisted, more than once, that we go on and enjoy our lunch that I reluctantly walked away from you.

I really wished that I could have done more. I wish that I had stayed with you even for the sole purpose that you wouldn't have to stand there alone for any amount of time. (However I do acknowledge that perhaps us not being there would help it not seem like such a spectacle when your hubby did arrive for the rescue. And I am sure that your family bonded in the moment of your daughter's freedom.)

You know, we women can't always fix each others' problems and griefs. But what an encouragement it is to know that we can help bear each other's burdens and walk alongside each other in this crazy thing called life! I truly hope that you will remember that someone cared when you faced this "worst fear" - - - T and that mama with the purple hair.

I have a fun image in my head of me, and you, and T, and the stressed-to-the-max woman seated a few tables over from us during lunch.  (She was desperately trying everything she could to quiet down a ticked-off baby who wanted nothing to do with a pacifier and didn't comprehend the concept of "the bottle is on it's way.) I think we'd have a jolly time sitting in a Cheesecake Factory booth ordering every dessert on the menu, and jokingly commiserating over our mommyhood stories. (And of course there'd be endless babysitting so that we could eat a whole piece of cheesecake without being interrupted because a little someone "needed to poop".)

We really are all in this together. <3


PS -  I am really annoyed about "open letters". Apparently I have now penned one.
     .... consider me humbled.